For Money or Mayhem

{28} We’ll Survive

“What’s your superpower?”

“I can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue.” A fat lot of good that power was going to do me. I needed to be superman.

“What’s your superpower?”

“I can hold my breath for two minutes.” I couldn’t even catch mine. Hold on, Andi. Hold on.

It couldn’t have taken me more than thirty seconds to dump Cali outside the building and run back in. I grabbed the railing as I rounded the last landing, burning my hand on the hot metal. I would hold out the axe to her and pull her out.

But neither Andi nor the landing she clung to was there.

I walked out of the hospital at four o’clock in the morning without bothering to tell them I was leaving. I walked every painful step to my apartment with my lungs still aching from the exertion and smoke inhalation. I used the front entrance so I wouldn’t have to pass Andi’s empty house.

I left the lights off in my darkened room and woke up my computer. Only the glow of the screen lit my face. I started pulling together the evidence against a thief.

She’d made a career of being invisible but indispensable. How had she put it? “My job is to make sure that there is nothing standing in the way of Mr. Dennis doing his job.” The more the picture evolved, the more it looked like her job was making Mr. Dennis appear to be doing his. Arnie hadn’t originated the research reports that Darlene provided me, she had. Her signing authority on expenses was higher than Jen’s. Her access to information was unlimited, simply because she was the administrative coordinator of every huge technical and security project the company had done in the past twenty-five years. I suspected Arnie didn’t even know he was little more than a front for his administrative assistant—and when he found out, he wouldn’t be happy.

The virus I’d let loose in the company network attached itself to every outgoing message. When it discovered a key word at the destination, it worked its way back. When I’d set the trap that fateful afternoon, I expected it would lead back to Arnie. I wanted it to lead to Arnie. I wanted to nail another executive. God damn it! The chickens aren’t supposed to raid the hen house.

The thing is, if she hadn’t been so focused on helping me find Cali, she could have easily spiked my virus and stayed free.

Jen met me at the front desk and we walked together to Arnie’s office. Darlene was sitting opposite his desk taking notes. We didn’t knock. We just walked in.

“Dag! I didn’t expect you to be out of the hospital so soon. Please accept my sympathies,” Arnie said. He stood and offered his hand, expressing surprise when I slapped my security badge into it, my burned and bandaged hand stinging with the impact.

“We were just talking about setting up a fund for the little girl,” Darlene said. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Dag.” I stared daggers at her.

“You don’t even count anymore,” I rasped. I had almost no voice left. Smoke inhalation. Screaming. Sobbing. “It’s over.”

“What’s this about?” Arnie asked. “Why are you here, Jen?”

“I needed a witness,” I said. I threw a thumb drive onto the desk on top of my badge. I handed Jen an identical one. “You wanted—or said you wanted—an embezzler. There never was an increase in losses that you were worried about. They’ve always been high. Instead of an embezzler, I found a corporate spy. She’s been selling information on the black market for twenty-five years. You’re a patsy, Arnie. You don’t even manage your own team.”

“Yes, sir,” Jen said. I noticed she was wearing her Bluetooth earbud. “Arnold Dennis and Darlene Alexander, I’ve been given authority by Mr. Davenport to dismiss you from employment effective immediately. Security is on its way to escort you from the building. Do not attempt to gather up any personal belongings from your work areas. Anything deemed nonessential to the security of EFC and its customers will be boxed and delivered to you. Please lay your smartcards on the desk.”

I saw two security guards arrive at the door.

Arnie was near apoplexy, unable to get a coherent word out of his mouth. Darlene sat calmly with a little smile on her lips.

“Nice work, Dag. Think you’ve got the big fish now?” she asked.

“Thank you for your help last night,” I responded, ignoring her challenge. “I’d have lost both of them without it.”

“Some thanks.”

“I hear there’s nice beachfront property available in Costa Rica,” I whispered.

“Visit me sometime.”

I knew that if Darlene wasn’t under arrest when she walked out the front doors of the building, she’d never be heard from again. She was ready to retire. Jen knew it, too. It was Mr. Davenport’s decision.

I went home. The black walls of my apartment were suddenly oppressive. I stumbled back against the curtained doorway, grabbing the fabric as I fell to my knees. The rod pulled away from the wall and fell next to me. That was all it took. I screamed at the top of what voice I had left and began stripping the paper from the walls and the drapes from the windows.

When the room was bare, I fell into the bed with my bandaged hands bleeding and clutched to my chest. I could still smell Andi’s and my lovemaking in the sheets.

I wept.

There was a memorial service at the college the next week. I went in my remaining gray suit, white shirt, and the tie she’d picked out for me. I saw Cali across the room. She was surrounded by friends from school and the theater. I wanted to rush up to her and hold her, but the one time our eyes met, she dropped her head and turned away from me. Child Protective Services had arranged temporary housing and care for her. When she was eighteen, she would be allowed to return home alone—possibly sooner if she applied to become an emancipated minor. There was no question that she was sole heir to Andi’s estate, but I didn’t know how they took care of property and mortgages and such in the interim. I was worried about her.

I didn’t go to Melissa’s memorial. I saw Olivia and James at Andi’s service. I’m sure they were in shock over their daughter’s murder. James came up to me and started to speak, but couldn’t. As he started back to his wife he turned back to me and croaked out, “They told us she’d run away. We’d never have…” He left the rest unsaid and escorted his wife out of the auditorium. They’d always assumed the worst about their daughter. I wasn’t about to confirm any of it. Pain was all any of us knew anymore.

I went home.

The doctor had given me some pretty kickass drugs to combat the pain of my burned hands and various other injuries I didn’t know I’d received. A hospital counselor added a brochure on the seven stages of grief. Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, acceptance. I couldn’t find anything in the damn brochure about bitterness and regret. If I had known it would all end so soon… Oh god! I’d have started so much earlier.

I didn’t remember anything about getting out of the burning warehouse. I was carried out, I was told, and woke up in the hospital. All I remembered was the ache in my lungs as I struggled back to where I’d left Andi. The exhaustion from carrying Cali up the stairs. The smoke and blindness that overwhelmed me when I found she wasn’t there.

Jordan came by. He told me that when the firemen got to me I was smashing my tablet with the axe and screaming “Escape! Escape! Escape!” Maybe the screams had saved my life. I was keeling over when they dragged my sorry ass out of there.

My throat was sore. The doctor said it was an effect of the smoke inhalation and the screaming I’d done.

I knew it was from the constant weeping.

I was lousy company when I took my mother to brunch on Mothers’ Day. I didn’t have much appetite and she never ate much. We both sat next to the window looking out at the fishing boats. She dreamed, I suppose, of my father getting off one of them and coming to meet her. I dreamed of getting on one and sailing away into oblivion. We held each other’s hands as we looked out at the blue sky and tears fell from our eyes.

Oh, damn! How long does this go on?

I had to start pulling myself together, even though I knew I had nothing to do in the office. Monday morning, I showered, shaved, and dressed in my suit and tie. Somehow, the suit made me feel close to Andi. She and Cali had done my makeover. I wanted them to be proud. I stopped at the Analog for a coffee to go and then walked over to Olive before I headed uphill so I wouldn’t have to pass the place we’d first made love. It was bad enough that Lonnie’s mournful look and silence had nearly crippled me. The sun was shining and I broke a bit of a sweat by the time I got up to 15th Ave. The folks in the other offices must have heard me come in as Cora soon poked her head around my doorframe.

“Just wanted to make sure it was you,” she said when I nodded at her. “How are you doing?” I started to say something, but I knew she wouldn’t accept “fine” as an answer. I just shook my head. She didn’t know the entire story, but she was aware that the guy they arrested was the same one who was stalking her client Daniel. “Look, if you need to talk, I’ve got a pretty open calendar today. Just stop upstairs.”

“Thank you, Cora. I don’t know what to say yet. I can’t say it.” I’d wept, I’d shouted, I’d even gone to a bar, but the first swallow of the straight vodka I ordered came spewing out my nose as I choked on it. I hadn’t been able to simply say, “She’s dead.”

“Well, I’m putting a fresh pot of coffee on. Help yourself.” She turned toward the kitchen but turned back before she’d taken a step away. “And Dag. Don’t blame yourself. God only knows how many children you saved.”

I wanted to scream at her. I couldn’t save the most important person!

But maybe I had. I’d saved Cali. That was Andi’s last desperate plea to me.

I can’t say I accomplished anything. I was in the office for several hours, but couldn’t name one productive thing I did. Stupid computer maintenance—defragging the drive. Installing software. Throwing out most of the mail that had piled up in the past two weeks. EFC paid me two weeks’ sick leave and company insurance was covering all my hospital bills. I didn’t know how that worked. I only vaguely remembered signing the necessary forms, but apparently the coverage was effective on the first of the month. Just in time. Nonetheless, Lars was still arguing with them about what the company owed the agency for my work. Without Arnie or Darlene approving checks, no one was willing to agree.

That left just one thing. The brown envelope on my desk. I was still contemplating what I would do with it when I heard the outer door open and steps approach my office. I looked up in time to see Cali round the corner and step through my door.

I don’t think she expected to see me there. She caught her breath and stood staring at me.

“Cali?” The sound of my voice seemed to startle her even more and I was afraid she was simply going to bolt from the room. She wore blue jeans and a sleeveless shirt and carried her school bag and jacket. She exhaled slowly, trying to calm herself, but each time she inhaled it was like a gasp for air. She cautiously moved around my desk to take the seat facing me. She had a folded paper in her hand but she made no move to give it to me. I was afraid that if I said anything she would fly away like the frightened bird she appeared to be. So we sat in silence, staring at each other.

“You’re fired!” she suddenly blurted out. “I want my money back.” She threw the paper across the desk. “I wrote cancelled on the contract.” I laid the manila envelope in front of her with my bandaged hand and heard a mewling sound as she curled herself up in the chair. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Cali. Your mom did all the work. It’s here.”

“I don’t want to know! I want to remember her like she always was. I don’t want to know what she did or who she was. Take it away!” I pulled the envelope and cancelled contract back and slipped them into my desk drawer.

“Cali,” I said softly.

“I hate you!” There was a fierce storm building in her eyes and her ragged breathing now was coming in deep sobs. “I thought you were a superhero. I thought you’d make everything better. But you couldn’t save Mel. You couldn’t even save Mommy and you loved her. I know you did! You loved her and I thought someday you’d be my daddy. And now I hate you and I hate myself.”

Please don’t do this Cali! I hate myself. And for just an instant I regretted not leaving her to the flames and saving her mother. I’m not a superhero. I’m not even a good person!

I had only a moment for the tears to flood my eyes when Cali moved and launched herself at me. She was hanging from my neck with her face buried in my chest wailing and all I could do was hold her and cry out all the pain and horror that we both experienced.

She kept sobbing, intermittently gasping, “My Mommy. My Daddy.” I knew in that instant that she was my baby girl as much as if Andi and I had married. I could never have left her in that building, even if it had been my life that was forfeited. I wondered if I could adopt her.

I saw a movement a caught a glimpse of Cora at the door to see if everything was okay. She disappeared and I heard the sound of cups rattling in the kitchen. Gradually, Cali’s sobs let up and for a few minutes I thought she was asleep while I held her. During that time, I saw Cora again. This time she slid a tray with two cups of tea onto my desk quietly, nodded reassuringly to me and left. Cali stirred and pushed away from me. She looked at the cups of tea suspiciously, but took one as she sat back in the chair on the other side of the desk.

“It’s like that all the time,” she said, finally. “One minute I’m fine and the next I’m a wreck. I hope I didn’t ruin your suit.” I looked at the tear stained front of my jacket and just shrugged.

“It wouldn’t make a difference if you did, Cali. I would hold you forever.”

“I know you did your best, Dag. I know you tried to save her—both of them. I don’t blame you. But I get so angry. And they didn’t even put him in jail!”

That wasn’t quite true. He’d been jailed without bail, but then moved to a secure hospital. Jordan told me it looked like he wasn’t mentally competent to stand trial. He still kept muttering over and over, “It’s just a game.” John Patterson had tipped over the edge—no longer able to tell the difference between cyberspace and reality. It was a condition I was dangerously close to myself.

“There is so much evidence against him that he will never be free again. He’ll either be in a hospital for the rest of his life or in prison for the rest of his life.”

“But he won’t hang!” The venom in Cali’s voice was frightening, even if understood. I’ve always been opposed to capital punishment, but I confess that if I could get my hands on him I’d kill him myself.

“Where are you living?” I asked, trying to shift the conversation away from our anger.

“Can you believe they put me clear out in Bellevue! Thank God there are only a few more weeks of school left. The bus ride is like an hour long. And so much for theater. This is going to kill my career. They say I can transfer my Running Start to Bellevue College, but it’s like being sentenced to Siberia.”

“Cali, do you want me to…” I wasn’t sure how to broach the subject of adoption with her. It probably was too soon, but if she wanted me to advocate for her I’d step in.

“I already asked them. CPS said there is no way they’d allow me to live with a middle-aged man, no matter what your relationship to my mother was.”

“Middle-aged?” She looked at me and finally we both laughed. It wasn’t much, but it was the first time either of us had laughed since that night.

“You need a new dye job. Your roots are showing.” Well, it had been a month since Andi and Cali touched them up in their kitchen. There was a halo of blond surrounding my head and mustache.

“I’m going to let it grow out,” I said. “I can’t maintain coloring it every week. I’m going to keep it all trimmed and short, though. Your mom liked it like that.”

“I see you dressed in a suit to come to the office, too.”

“I’ll need to buy a couple more or this one will be worn out.” We were chitchatting about nothing, trying desperately to live in a moment when everything was normal. We both knew it wouldn’t last.

“Dag, what did Mom say?” I reached back into my drawer for the brown envelope. “No! I don’t want to know. I just want to know… It wasn’t something terrible that she did, was it?”

“No, Cali. Something wonderful. She was so brave. And she loved you. She loved you so much she gave her life for you. Twice.” Her lip quivered and for a moment I thought we would both return to tears.

“Can you keep that for me? Someday, I’ll come back and get it. When I’m ready. Right now, I just want to remember Mom the way I always knew her. I just want to love her like she loved me.”

“It will be here.” Cali rose from her chair and put the tea mug on the tray. This time I stood and walked with her to the door. She stopped and looked up at me before she left.

“We’ll be okay, won’t we? Someday?” she asked.

“We’ll be okay. I know I have a client I made a promise to. I have to be okay. And you have school to finish and a big career on stage and screen waiting for you. You can’t disappoint your public.”

“I’ll invite you to all my openings,” she said. She hugged me again and I kissed the top of her head. She smiled up at me sadly and then headed off to catch her bus back to Bellevue.

Somehow, we would survive.

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