Jackie the Beanstalk
Chapter 4
Puss ’n’ Og
I WAS ALMOST too exhausted to care when I finally huddled over the fire. Suddenly, Misty was there beside me, scrubbing at my hair with a towel while she simultaneously managed to get my cap and gown off. Might have had help with that. I don’t know. I took the towel and kept drying myself as she removed my boots, sports bra, and court pants. I was about to complain when a blanket was wrapped around me and I sat shivering on a campstool. I saw that Luke was undergoing much the same treatment across the fire from me. I spotted Hunter and called him to me.
“Hunter, show me how to skin and eat a snake,” I said. He grinned at me and quickly produced a knife to slit the skin and strip it from the carcass. Then he opened the carcass and pulled out the guts and organs, which he immediately threw on the fire. Shortly, the meat was cut into sections and placed on skewers to roast. I wasn’t sure, but maybe I could do that in a pinch. I grabbed my own camp knife and scraped the inside of the skin clean. Hunter got the idea of what I was doing pretty quickly and brought a bucket filled with some kind of alcohol solution by the smell of it. He trimmed off the rattles and handed them to me, then rolled the skin loosely and submerged it in the solution. He sealed it up and set it aside.
I gave the rattles to Misty to store away for me. Didn’t know what I’d do with them, but I had a notion they’d be important someday.
By this time, Luke had been chastised and then encouraged to tell the tale of his adventure.
“I tracked the monster up the mountain to its lair,” he said brazenly. “But the monster has many heads and it surrounded me. The chief head of the monster looked me in the eye and said, ‘I will make my dinner of this fine strong boy.’ But when he struck, I battled him and hit him in the head with my iron hand. The monster drew back again, but just then the Warrior Wizard appeared with fire in her hand that blinded us all. She threw a lightning bolt at the monster that severed its head and the crack of thunder was echoed deep in the mountain where the monster lives. The rest of its many heads pulled back into the cave and disappeared like a turtle in its shell. Then the Warrior Wizard and I took our trophy of the monster’s neck and came back to the shelter. But even now, you can hear the monster moaning in his cave as the rain dies outside.”
That Little Luke was quite the story teller. We all took a bite of the snake meat from the skewers, dipped in some kind of spicy sauce Amos produced. I was impressed by Luke’s story, but the guitar player struck up another rendition of the Ballad of the Warrior Wizard with new words commemorating the battle against the Monster at Thunder Mountain. Everyone sang the chorus again.
“Thank you, Warrior Wizard, for coming to the aid of my brave son,” his mother said. “One day may he follow in your footsteps.”
“The skin of the monster’s neck being tanned by Hunter shall be a belt for Luke, the youngest Warrior Wizard. Wear it with pride. Um… And may the Force be with you,” I finished lamely.
My clothes were hanging on a couple of the cooking tripods next to the fire, so I crept back to my tent. Misty got me into the blankets and that damn little cat lay on one side of me while Roadkill pressed against the other. Misty zipped up the tent and crawled in next to the cat. It was only a few minutes before I was sound asleep.
The morning dawned clear and bright, but true to Amos’s prediction, the lane leading to the treaty shelter was mud that could eat my car. I collected my underwear from the drying rack, embarrassed that everyone had seen my bra and drawers hanging there. It looked like someone had washed it all and even cleaned the mud from my gown. It was dry, so I just pulled it on and tied it shut. I noticed that Luke’s mother had taken it upon herself to clean the bloody end of my white cord. It looked good as new.
We impatiently waited out another day in the barn. Most of the wild animals took off as soon as the doors were open. A few were in small pockets alone, watching people and other animals. I noticed there were no longer any snakes in the corner of the barn. Good. Anyplace I saw them now, I could just kill them. We had another communal dinner and Hunter awarded the snakeskin to Luke with instructions on how to wash it and let it dry. That was one happy and proud kid. That night we were serenaded by the guitar player and I swear she’d added in another bunch of verses to the Ballad. I’m sure I blushed crimson.
“Well, Misty, what do you think. Should we break camp and leave?” I asked as I sipped my morning coffee and looked out at the dry lane back to the road.
“I suppose. There’s nothing to hold us here,” she said, glancing back toward where Hunter’s tribe was getting ready to move on. We packed up the tent, bedroll, pots and pans and the coffeepot. Amazingly, Misty managed to pack everything back in the hatch of the Fairlane like it had never been disturbed.
The folks left in the shelter showered us with praise and a few gifts. We were given fresh eggs and a slab of bacon. That would be nice in the morning. At the last minute, Luke came running up to me and gave me a big hug.
“I’ll be brave, just like you,” he declared.
“Being brave is not enough, young warrior,” I said. I tried to sound old and wise, but don’t think I was succeeding. “Grow strong. Run lots. Practice with your weapons, and play ball.” He looked at me as if I’d said something profound.
“Here, Warrior Wizard. This is a gift from my family to yours.”
“Jerky?” I asked looking in the sack.
“Your new companion will need meat. This will last until she is old enough to hunt,” he said. New com… what? I looked in the car and next to Roadkill in the back seat was a spotted cat, curled up under his chin.
“Misty?” I called.
“She wants to come with us. And Roadkill approves. It’s so nice to have a little kitty with us,” my aunt whined.
“You know that isn’t a housecat, don’t you? She’s going to be as big as Roadkill in a few months,” I said. Misty’s face fell.
“You mean she’s a…” she looked to her side and a large cat, about knee-high, was bumping against her leg. Misty scratched the cat between the ears and I could hear the purr all the way on the other side of the car. “…bobcat?”
“Yeah. She’s going to be as big as her mother there.”
“Well, she’ll really keep us warm at night,” Misty said brightly. She bowed to the mother and said, “We’ll take good care of your little girl. Don’t worry about a thing.” The bobcat turned and stalked off with two more cubs following her.
I turned the key in the ignition and the 390 rumbled to life. Just putting my hands on the steering wheel made me feel powerful. We waved to our new friends and pulled out of the barn onto the lane and eventually to the highway.
“Which way?” I asked.
“Right,” Misty responded, looking at the TripTik. I turned onto the highway and we continued on our adventure.
Mile 261
“Well, are you convinced yet?” Misty asked. “You went out and slew the Monster of Thunder Mountain, saved a kid, told tales of derring-do, and had an entire ballad sung about you. And as we were leaving, Mr. McCoy was painting your Warrior Wizard symbol on the side of the barn. That should be enough evidence for even a skeptic like you.”
“You know that was a snake I brought in,” I said. “The fire in my hand was a flashlight. The lightning bolt was me cracking a cord like a whip. Lukey’s iron hand was a frying pan.”
“And the bobcat in the back seat?” Misty persisted.
“You would bring something along as a reminder,” I sighed. “What are you naming her?”
“Well, we got her on the side of a mountain. But I don’t want to call her Thunder. Though her purr rumbles as loud as this car. I was thinking maybe naming her Shasta. That’s a good northwestern name for a mountain cat,” Misty said.
“Mmm. Isn’t that the name of that creme soda that’s so good?”
“Now that you mention it… Maybe we could find some next time we stop.”
“Speaking of stopping, my gas gauge still says full. We’d better find someplace to check the tank and make sure we’ve got fuel. Anything on the map?” I asked.
“Now that you mention it, there’s a town ahead where we have to cross the river again.”
“I was beginning to think this world didn’t have towns.”
“See? You do believe!”
“Fine. Is there a gas station in said town?” I demanded. I hadn’t really seen a town since before the mountain pass yesterday. That was before we really began the adventure part of our road trip. I wondered if that was where we made the transition. Drive up the pass in one world and down in a different one. I shook my head. That’s ridiculous!
“Franklin’s Everything Store and Gas Stop,” Misty said. “It should be on the left. Look. over there.”
I drove on up to gas station/convenience store/hardware/coffee stand and pulled in. Misty handed me my wallet. “You’ll need a card, Warrior Wizard.” Bitch.
“Why don’t you go in and see if they have decent espresso,” I said. “I’ll fill the tank and come join you. They must have a restroom, too.”
She went into the store which looked like it filled all the business needs for anything people in the town wanted. I put my gas card in the pump and started to fill it up. The hose clicked off as soon as I squeezed the lever. I tried again. Nothing. I looked at the pump to be sure it was running. It reset with my card and was still displaying all zeroes. I checked to see if there was another button I had to press to select the grade or something, but it only had one grade of gas. I clicked the handle a few more times.
“They don’t like you to top off. Spills poisons on the ground,” a voice near me said. I jumped and turned to see a coverall-clad dude wiping his hands on a dirty rag walking over. I looked up at his face and corrected my opinion. Seemed it was a female grease monkey who was talking to me. The name patch on the pocket declared her name was Dale.
“I just pulled up and can’t get it to start pumping,” I said. She reached past me and squeezed the lever, causing it to click again. She handed me the hose and pulled a metal stick out of her belt that looked a lot longer than she was. She fed the stick into the tank, pinched her fingers at the point where it met the lip, and pulled it out again. Six inches below her fingers, the stick was wet with gas. She wiped the stick with her rag and slid it back in her waist, taking the hose from me and hanging it up.
“Aye-up. You’re full up,” she said. She took a walk around the car, inspecting it and looking under it. She looked through the windows and was surprised to see the dog and bobcat. She popped the hood and just looked while she was still holding it up with her hand. She whistled. Finally, she dropped the hood and turned to me. “Yep. Got yourself a good one here. I haven’t seen one of these in years and years.” She didn’t look to me to be any older than I was. Years and years? “This baby will go a long way on a tank of gas.”
“Really? How far?”
“Long long way. Miles and miles.”
“You’re telling me this car won’t run out of gas?” I said.
“You’re the Warrior Wizard,” she said. “You ought to know.”
“Yeah, well, I haven’t really gotten used to that,” I mumbled. Okay, I had a full tank of gas that didn’t go down. And a cute girl mechanic. And Misty was in the store.
“Thanks for the info,” I said. “Can I buy you an espresso, Dale?”
“Mmm. Guess we can see if the machine is working again. Goes on the fritz as often as a McDonald’s ice cream machine.” She laughed as if that was the funniest joke ever. I’d seen the meme.
Inside, the old guy at the cash register just looked at us and gestured toward the other side of the store. I took the long way getting there as Dale went to check on the espresso. I figured I’d run into Misty here somewhere. Interesting stuff in this store. I decided I’d pick up a few additional supplies. Bag of cat food to supplement the jerky and a couple pet dishes. I glanced out the window at the car. We’d left the doors open and Shasta and Roadkill were just stretching beside the car. I wasn’t worried about them. I figured if they wanted to ride with us, they’d be in the car when we were.
I found the Shasta Creme Soda and collected a couple bags of chips. I dumped that stuff on the counter and went back to exploring. In the next aisle, I picked up window cleaner so we could clean the glass in the car. I wanted to find a car wash or at least a hose to rinse the mud off it. Pop would throw a fit if he saw it like this, so I picked up a jar of carnauba wax, too. I saw a campy pair of fuzzy dice I decided to hang from the mirror. I saw some lawn and garden stuff and grabbed a machete. That would have been better for fighting the snakes than my hatchet. I never even got that out of my belt. I definitely needed more rope and picked up a spool of it in the hardware area. There was a slingshot and box of shot in the sporting goods that I decided might come in handy since I didn’t want to go shooting the gun in the glove box or even showing it around. The shot was clay balls that would melt into the earth with the first rain.
I took it all up to the counter and headed toward where the grease monkey had disappeared. When I rounded the end of the shelf full of insect repellent, I saw Misty behind the espresso counter, tinkering with the machine. Dale crawled out from under the counter, where she’d apparently been helping. In a minute Misty twisted something in place and turned a dial. Steam came out of a nozzle. She shut it off and looked up as she was tamping down grounds in the basket.
“Latte, ladies?” she grinned. I just nodded and she set to work steaming milk. “The vacuum breaker valve was stuck. Little wash and air running through it and it’s good as new. I knew all that time working as a barista at Starbucks would come in handy one day.” In a couple of minutes, we all three had lattes and she’d pulled a straight espresso to take to the guy at the counter. He sampled it and started nodding.
“Interest you in a job? Folks will start coming in soon now the machine is working,” he said.
“Oh, we’re just passing through,” Misty said.
“I can make the shots when people start coming, Pap,” Dale said. She scrubbed at her hands with some grease remover and zipped out of her coveralls. She had a cute little uniform under them. It was a short skirt above a very nice pair of legs. The tube top was only a band a couple inches wide. “They tip really big when I’m not in my coveralls,” she grinned. Hell, I was going to tip big, too.
“Goodness, you’ve been shopping,” Misty said. “Look at all this stuff!”
“Just figured we should get some supplies. You didn’t think about food for your cat, I noticed.”
“I knew you’d think of everything,” she grinned.
As soon as Dale was behind the bar, people started coming into the store. Some shopped around a bit, some seemed to know what they wanted and went straight to it. All of them came to the counter with a latte in hand and paid the old man.
“Is there a carwash around here?” I asked the old guy, gesturing back toward the door.
“The kids wash the cars,” he said. “Keeps ’em out of trouble. I gave ’em your wax and window cleaner already.”
I looked outside and half a dozen kids were climbing all around the car. They had a hose and were lathering it up good. I wanted to run right out and protect my car, but Misty laid a restraining hand on my arm.
“Looks like they know what they’re doing, hon. Might as well let them keep doing it,” she said. I watched, but was nudged by a furry head. I looked down and Roadkill and Shasta had apparently wandered in with the people coming into the store. “We need treats!” Misty said, rushing off down and aisle of pet supplies. The old guy behind the counter leaned across and offered the two animals treats from a jar next to the register.
“We get their kind in here quite a lot,” he said. Misty returned with two boxes of cat and dog treats and paid for them. I thanked the proprietor and we picked up our double armload of purchases and headed for the door.
What a weird place.
We were just at the door when it flew open and a mountain of a man came through, knocking us on our asses. “Coffee!” he bellowed.
People started scattering as he moved toward the coffee bar. Roadkill growled and Shasta hissed at the indignity heaped upon us. While Roadkill sniffed up Misty and me to be sure we were okay, Shasta bounded after the giant and leapt to the counter in front of him.
“We got problems,” I said. It looked like that guy could smash little Shasta into the ground with one hand, even while he was grabbing hold of Dale and shoving her toward the machine with the other. I jumped up and snatched the gold cord off my neck. I caught up with the dude as he was attempting to sweep Shasta off the counter. He brought both massive hands around to grab her and I cracked the cord like I had at the snake. It wrapped itself around his wrists and tied them together. I gave a jerk on the cord and he spun to face me, still looking in disbelief at his bound hands.
“You need to learn some manners, buster,” I shouted. It might have been the first time he’d been addressed by someone tall enough to look him in the eye.
“Uhhhhh…” Not very eloquent, but the breath he exhaled…
“God! And get a toothbrush! Have you ever heard of a bath? Who are you anyway?”
“Og,” he stuttered, still disbelieving that he was tied up and seemed unable to move.
“Og? As in Ogre?” I demanded. Shasta paced up and down the counter with her fur standing on end, hissing.
“Ogden,” he whispered. Misty brought a package of mints and threw one in his mouth.
“Ogden, why do you think you can just barge into a respectable business and knock people over while you shove your way to the front of the line and demand service? Tell me that!” I shouted.
“Um… Big,” he said.
“Well, not big enough, are you? You come with me. You can’t have coffee until you’re civilized.” I just turned and dragged him out of the store toward my car. The kids were working hard at the polish and the car gleamed. “Hey, kids. This dude needs a shower. It’s gonna take all your scrubbing power,” I said.
That was all it took. The kids understood at once, and Og just stood there with a look of horror on his face as they attacked with hoses, brushes, and soap. I kept a firm grip on the rope just in case he decided to try to get away, but once they started, he just stood there submissively, letting them scrub him down.
Sadly, Og’s clothes were in such filthy tattered shape that they mostly disintegrated and fell off. What was revealed was quite a specimen. He was about six-six and barrel-chested. He had a lot of hair on his body and a bit of a belly on him, but you could just see the muscles bulging from his legs and arms.
Dale suddenly appeared in her coveralls with a ladder and a toothbrush. She started scrubbing at his mouth and then made him rinse with a cinnamon flavored mouthwash. She proceeded to comb and cut his unruly hair, showing quite a barbering talent. She even produced shaving cream and a razor to clean up his face. By that time, the kids had worked their way down to his bare feet and a statuesque hunk of a man stood in front of us.
Dale disappeared and was back in a few seconds, in her barista outfit and holding an extra-large latte. She looked at me and at the rope as the kids finished toweling him off. Someone showed up with a clean coverall that looked like it might even fit him.
“Can I trust you to behave like a civilized human being instead of an ogre?” I demanded. He worked his jaw a couple of times, like he wasn’t used to speaking much.
“I behave,” he finally said. “Sorry for fuss.”
I flipped the cord and it unwrapped from his wrists. I watched him closely as he put his arms through the sleeves of the coveralls. I wondered how they happened to have a pair big enough to fit him.
“Now, Ogden, that isn’t so bad, is it?” Dale said, moving up to him. She offered him the coffee cup and he took it gratefully, even managing to say, ‘thank you.’ “You see, all I ever wanted for you was to be a little civilized. You can still run the mountains and hunt and fish. And I know you like the cars. I’ll teach you all about how to fix them and we’ll find you one of your very own. How’s that sound?”
“Good,” he grunted. “Real good.” He held the coffee cup up to salute her.
“Then at night, instead of hiding out under the bridge, you can come to my place. I got a big soft bed, just right for the two of us. You’d like that wouldn’t you?”
“Good, Dale,” he said. Wow! He was getting more than one word at a time out.
“Thank you, Warrior Wizard,” Dale said, looking at me. “I been trying to tame this big galoot for nigh on two years now. He just gets excited when I turn the coffee light on.” She pointed at the store and a neon sign was lit that just said ‘Coffee.’
“You think you can handle him now?” I asked.
“Oh, Ogden and me are going to be just fine, aren’t we big guy?”
“I like Dale. I be good for Dale.”
There was a yowl from near his feet. Shasta was standing in front of him, hair still standing on end. She snarled. Ogden got down on his knees.
“Nice kitty,” Og said. “Ogden not hurt kitty. Ogden sorry. Nice kitty.” He held out his hand and I half expected Shasta to take a bite out of it. Instead, her hair started to lay back down and she rubbed up against the offered hand. Little slut. He scratched her ears and the purring commenced.
I looked around at the people watching the little display of affection, the kids who had washed the car, the grinning proprietor of the store.
“Well, I wish you folks well,” I said. “Guess it’s time for us to finish packing our supplies and hit the road. Who knows what tomorrow may bring?”
People brought our things to us and Misty packed them in the back of the Fairlane just as if there’d been room for everything. Shasta and Roadkill jumped in the back seat and I turned the ignition. The big engine came to life and rumbled as we waved and pulled out of the convenience store gas station.
“Where to?” I said.
“That way,” Misty said pointing toward the bridge. I’d swear that was the same bridge we crossed a few days ago—streetlights and all. Oh, well. The road still lay ahead.
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