Jackie the Beanstalk
Chapter 5
Four Stars
“JACKIE THE OGRE-TAMER,” Misty laughed. “Scrub him down, kids!”
“All right already! I was scared out of my mind. A guy as big and strong as him? He could have just snapped the cord I wrapped around his wrists. It was just taking him so much by surprise that made it succeed. Nice touch throwing a mint in his mouth, by the way.”
“Did you see the way he looked at Dale?”
“Or the way she looked at him? It was like she was just waiting to get hold of him and give him a shave and haircut.”
“Nice job of it, too. I can just hear them now as they plan to name their first baby Jackie,” Misty said. “I saw the way you looked at him when he was all cleaned up. Worried for a minute that I’d have to go on the rest of this quest by myself.”
“Oh, please. I mean he was quite a handful when he was all cleaned up, but that’s not what I’m on the hunt for,” I said.
“Exactly what are you on the hunt for?”
“Good question. I didn’t know I was on the hunt for anything when we started out the other day. Now it seems like there should be some meaning to all this.”
“All what, dear niece?” Misty asked sweetly. I frowned at her.
“Okay. Let’s suppose for argument’s sake that we are in a separate reality. That someplace after graduation, we magically transported somewhere and I’m a Warrior Wizard and you are still my pain in the ass but much beloved aunt,” I suggested. She wrinkled her nose right back at me.
“We are,” she declared flatly.
“Then why? Why send a six-foot-three beanstalk off into a different dimension dressed in her graduation gown and army boots, with her dog and her aunt and a hot car that never runs out of gas? What I’m saying is that if… IF, I say… if this is a different dimension, there must be some reason I was chosen to enter it. And that reason has be more than stopping a robbery, killing a snake, and taming an ogre. I might believe all this is some supernatural shit, IF and WHEN you can tell me what the purpose is,” I said. I was sure I had her here. She was quiet for a minute. The silence was deafening. Only I couldn’t tell if the rumble I heard was the engine or that cat being bathed by my dog. That’s not evidence of the supernatural, is it?
“Okay, I’ll play this silly game of speculating with you. There has to be a higher purpose to your calling. However, there is a lower purpose, too. You have to learn to accept yourself for what you are, and learn to flourish. And you do that by constantly having your character tested and overcoming whatever dangerous situation lies before you. You find strength of character to act and stop a robbery. You find the courage to go out alone in a deluge to rescue a little boy from snakes. You take one look at a huge man raising Cain and see beyond the exterior to tame him and make him a part of society. Those are all things that reveal your character and show what kind of person you genuinely are.”
I thought about what she was saying while I sang along with k.d. lang on the radio.
gonna walk away from trouble with my head held high,
then look closely, you’ll see luck in my eyes.
I looked over at Misty and she was singing along, too. She was also fiddling with something in her lap and I realized she was sewing something.
“What you got there, girl?” I asked.
“Little project I picked up back at the store while you were taming the ogre,” she said. “You got them snake rattles and no place to put them. Too bad we couldn’t have pulled its fangs. Anyway, I just thought I’d sew up a little bag to put your trophies in.”
“Don’t plan to pick up a lot of trophies, but having the rattles someplace safe would be good.”
“Now, you don’t get to escape the question so easy. That’s the part of the quest that’s about you. But there’s lots of ways to show what a person is made of that don’t involve getting transplanted into another dimension. There’s something about you that is needed in this world. The place hasn’t looked that broken and in need of fixing like Scarecrow said he does. I don’t see armies gathered on the horizon getting ready to wipe out the innocent people we’ve met. But there’s a quest here and it seems like you probably know what it is or you wouldn’t be here.”
“Well, the next thing is to pull into that roadside so the kids can stretch their legs and pee. Me, too,” I said.
“Yeah. Me, too,” Misty sighed. I’d avoided the question again.
It was just a little roadside park, but it had restrooms and a pump for water. We gave the pets a bowl and each had a Shasta Creme Soda and munched from a bag of chips while the two explored around the park and Shasta practiced her pouncing skills on an unamused Roadkill. He came up to me with the cat on his back and whined.
“What a good boy you are,” I comforted as Misty picked up Shasta. I petted Roadkill and made sweet over him. “Okay, kids. Don’t know where we’re going, but we should head out.” They scampered into the car and settled in with Shasta giving Roadkill’s ears a good cleaning. I could just hear him moaning, ‘This is so undignified.’ We pulled back on the highway.
Mile 394
We began seeing small towns more frequently. I guess that didn’t take much since we’d seen only one small town in the past 250 miles or more. At one we stopped for a potty break and bought ice cream at a little stand. Nothing happened. It was a relief. I was beginning to think that every time we saw people, I’d need to do something heroic. It was nice to not even be looked at twice.
“So, quests generally divide up into three categories,” Misty said. She was not letting go of this whole quest thing. “You could be here to kill or destroy something. That’s the classic Tolkien. Take the one ring to Mount Doom and cast it into the volcano. Lewis: destroy the snow queen and liberate Narnia. Second, the find or recover quest. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Brooks, The Sword of Shannara, once again to destroy the Warlock Lord and free the four lands. Finally, the rescue quest. Rescue and resuscitate Snow White, free and resuscitate Sleeping Beauty, find the white tower and rescue Rapunzel. Classic fairy tale scenarios.”
“Those last ones are all damsel in distress scenarios,” I sighed. “Just not interested in rescuing and resuscitating a princess from the dragon.”
“Ah, but the thing is, you might be called to do any of them in the process of fulfilling the main quest. You can’t just look at a robbery in progress and say, ‘Not my circus, not my monkeys.’ You have to take action or you aren’t the hero of the story.”
“I had to go rescue the little boy because I’m the hero,” I said, mulling over the words. “I had to tame the ogre or I wouldn’t be a hero. Are we sure being a hero is what I’m meant to be? Maybe you’re the hero and I’m the trusty but completely inept driver who is constantly getting in trouble. That would work, wouldn’t it?”
“Ha! Who in their right mind would cast me as the hero? I’m only here to be with and support you. And try not to be the one who needs rescuing.”
“Still, all that gives us is the directive to keep being heroic, even though I have no idea what it’s all about.” We drove on a mile or two and started to see signs of a major settlement. Billboards advertising hotels, restaurants, insurance companies, and DUI lawyers. “I’m tired and hungry. I say we get a room at that nice hotel. I’ll treat you to a decent meal and a clean bed with a hot shower.”
Misty opened the TripTik and scanned the page to see where we were.
“Might not want to do that,” she said. “The TripTik says ‘don’t stop here.’ We should go on a ways.”
“I said I’m tired and hungry,” I snapped. “I’m not waiting for a stupid map to tell me where to sleep for the night.” I pulled into the hotel entry way and a valet ran out to take the car. I held up my hand to stop him when he came to the window. “Just tell me where to park that’s safe. I don’t give the keys to this baby away to anyone.”
“I’ll personally guarantee the safety of your vehicle, ma’am,” he said. “I’m a trained professional driver.”
“I’m sure you will guarantee the safety of my vehicle and I’ll tip you well to do so. But you need to point me to a safe parking space.”
He started to speak again but stopped when he actually looked into the car and saw me. I swear, he jumped back five feet and snapped to attention.
“Yes, ma’am,” he said. “We’ll watch your vehicle carefully. Just pull into that center spot over there.” He pointed and I drove to the designated space. There was an empty space on either side of me and when I got out of the car, I saw the valet running to place yellow cones blocking off the other two parking spaces. He ran back to his station by the door and I saw him on the phone. I was surprised no bellman came out to carry our luggage, but I guess after the way I treated the valet, it was understandable.
The animals got out of the car with us and we picked up their dishes, our backpacks, and the bags of animal food. People stood aside as we made our way to the registration desk. Apparently, the valet had already reported our arrival. Misty handed her credit card to the desk clerk and he looked surprised. He ran it and handed us key cards.
“Top floor. Executive suite. It’s the best we have. Room service is waiting to attend you,” he said. Then he jumped back and left the desk. Neither of us had signed anything. There was no one else there to ask a question of. We went to the elevator and pushed the button for the top floor. It was eerily silent. The executive suite was lavish.
“Woah! Is this the life?” I asked, tossing myself onto the huge bed. What luxury! Misty kept prowling around. “Hey! Lighten up. They’re giving us the royal treatment. Doesn’t that compute in your book of heroes?”
“Jackie, haven’t you noticed how weird everyone is? Yes, they’re giving us the best of everything, but they’re all running from us like scared rabbits. Everyplace else we’ve been might not have been wealthy, but they were friendly. This all makes me nervous,” Misty said.
“Oh, come on, Auntie. Let’s go down to the restaurant and have a big dinner. Steak tonight. I saw the sign in the lobby pointing to the steakhouse. Bet they have the best you’ve ever tasted.”
“I don’t know, Jackie…” She was still stumbling around the room, so I grabbed her hand and opened the door. The animals jumped out of the room and scanned the hallway like they were bodyguards. I just headed to the elevator and tapped the lobby floor.
Apparently, our appearance in the lobby again was unexpected. There were several people milling about talking, but as soon as we were noticed, a hush fell across the room. Everyone moved away as we made our way to the steakhouse. No one met us at the reception desk, so we just walked in and sat at a table where we thought we’d be out of the way.
“We don’t serve your kind in here,” a burly man in a dark suit said, approaching our table.
“They’re service animals,” I explained. “And they’ve already eaten.”
“I was talking about you,” he said glaring at me. “You’ll have to leave.”
I was pissed, but whatever they thought ‘my kind’ was, I wasn’t going to get violent. I stood and turned to Misty.
“Come on, Misty. We’ll get room service like you said,” I said. The animals got up to follow me.
“I said you had to leave. Not her. She can stay. In fact, I insist she stays,” the man said. I was beginning to suspect he wasn’t the maître d’. Misty started to stand and he shoved her back into her seat. I stepped forward to move him away and three more guys suddenly appeared, bearing down on us. Roadkill growled and jumped one of the guys, knocking him to the floor. Shasta leapt to the table and scratched the hand that was gripping Misty, then bit it when he swung at her.
I swept my mortar board off my head and pointed it at the assailant coming from our right. He closed so fast that his eye ran right into the point of the cap and he fell back, clutching his face. The fourth guy held up his hands and backed away. I pulled Misty behind me and began backing toward the door. I whistled and the animals immediately left their prey and joined us in our retreat, growling and hissing all the way out the door. We returned to the elevator and went to our room.
“Okay, I admit it was a bad idea to stop here,” I said when we were safely back in the executive suite on the top floor. “Let’s pack up and leave. There must be someplace in this town where we can get a decent meal and a bed for the night.” Misty kindly didn’t say ‘I told you so.’ She went to collect her pack and the pet bowls. Roadkill nudged at my pack and I bent to pick it up. He just kept bumping his nose against a side pocket. I opened it up and found his ball. When I pulled it out, he was all happy and bouncing around waiting for me to throw it for him. Pets can turn on the protective growls one moment and the playful whine the next.
I bounced the ball and he leapt to grab it, proudly showing his prize to Shasta as I picked up the pet food and we left the room. Roadkill held his ball as we left, as if it was a trophy of his victory. The lobby was empty as we left. This place must be haunted or something.
The adventure wasn’t over, though. The first thing I noticed when we walked out the door was that the valet was lying against his stand, tied hand and foot. He was struggling against a gag and I reached down to remove it.
“I tried to protect your car, but they’re after it. They hit me and tied me up,” the valet cried. I dropped the bags of kibble as Misty started working on the ropes tying the valet. I stepped off the steps of the hotel to look where I’d parked my car. Three guys were looking it over. One had a sledgehammer in his hands and seemed to be preparing to break and enter.
“Step away from the car,” I barked in my best imitation of a Batman voice. The hoods looked up. The guy with the hammer looked at me and sneered.
“Or what, Warrior Wizard. Gonna sic your kitten on us. We’re ready for you,” the dude said, showing his leather gloves. They were all wearing goggles, apparently prepared against getting stabbed in the eye, too. Roadkill nudged at my hand and I found his wet slimy ball there. The sneering dude raised the sledgehammer and I threw the ball at him.
I played softball in school, just like all the other sports. I could pitch, but I played first base because I could stretch halfway to second without taking my foot off the bag. And I had more 3-6 and 3-6-3 double plays than any first baseman in the state. When I say I threw the ball at him, I mean I pegged it with all the fury I had when throwing first to third.
It was a good throw. Hit him right in the forehead. Sounded like the crack of a baseball bat. As he started to crumple, there was a second crack. The ball had ricocheted off his forehead and hit the guy next to him with just as much force. Roadkill the wonder dog had jumped forward and caught the ball as it bounced off guy two. Double play. Two outs with one throw. The third guy adopted the familiar pose that I’d seen in the steakhouse. He threw up his hands and backed away until he could turn tail and run.
I shoved the two unconscious bodies out of my way and opened the hatch. I’d no more than tossed my pack in when Misty and the valet arrived with the rest of our gear. They shoved it in the car while I opened the door for Roadkill and Shasta to jump in. I turned to the valet and handed him a wad of cash from the diner robber’s wallet.
“Thanks for watching the car,” I said. Misty and I piled into the car and laid rubber getting out of there.
Mile 404
“Don’t say anything about it,” I commanded my aunt. “Just look at the damn map and find out where we’re supposed to stop for the night.”
“Night’s Inn on the far side of town,” she said. Somehow, we made every traffic light through town and I was careful not to speed or even change lanes without a signal. Still, I didn’t see any patrol cars as we proceeded through town.
Night’s Inn proved to be a run-down no-tell motel. It was actually Knight’s Inn, but the ‘K’ on the sign was burned out. I went into the office to register. It smelled of disinfectant soap, but I guessed that meant it was clean. An old guy in a backwards baseball cap looked up from behind the desk.
“Well, you’re finally here,” he said peevishly. “You were expected two days ago.”
“Two days ago, we were holed up in a treaty shelter waiting out a torrential storm,” I said. “Who are you that you’d be expecting us anyway? Just give us a room and point us to a restaurant where we can eat without getting attacked again.”
“Us? Attacked? Oh, no. What have you done? This was supposed to be a simple pass-through. Haven’t you read your instructions?” he demanded, handing me a huge door key chained to a plastic paddle with the number 105 engraved on it. Looked like it had once been painted but the paint had worn off so just the engraving was left.
“What instructions? If you have something to do with all the weird stuff that’s been happening to us, I’d like a clear explanation.” I was leaning over the counter where I was towering over him.
“You were given a packet of travel documents when you received your weapons. Did you not read it?”
“My diploma folder? My weapons? Oh, yeah. Misty pulled the TripTik out of it and we’ve been following along. This is now Mile 404.” Misty and the animals came in and wanted to know what was taking so long. The old guy was apoplectic.
“But this is all wrong,” he said. “You were supposed to be alone. And you have familiars, too? Very bad. I need to check with my superiors.”
“Well, while you’re checking, I want food. Where can we eat?”
“Over there,” he waved generally toward an equally shabby restaurant on the other side of the parking lot. “I know none of this looks ritzy and elegant like that hell-hole on the other side of town, but we’re safe. Just be thankful you didn’t stop there.”
“We did,” I said.
“Oh, no. Bad. Very bad. Go! Go eat and take your travel documents with you. Read them! Why do you think we go to all the work of preparing things for a hero? And then you don’t bother to even read the instructions! Go! Get food. Everything has been upset. Go.”
Okay. We were going. We stopped at the car long enough to grab my diploma folder. Misty had crammed it under the front seat after she pulled the TripTik out. We entered the restaurant a little warily, but nothing seemed all that out of place. We were greeted and seated by a nice little old lady who used a lot of little endearments and touches as she got us settled and bent to welcome the animals. They both seemed to be happy to see her and settled right down at our feet. Misty slipped treats to both of them. It all reminded me uncomfortably of that diner we went to the first day out. I kept scanning the room for potential robbers. The other diners, however, seemed scarcely to notice us.
We hadn’t even looked at menus yet when a waitress hustled to our table with a tray full of salad and coffee. It was a big bowl of salad that we served ourselves from. Of course, the waitress gave us the first serving. She reminded me of the waitress at that diner, too. Nice butt.
“I’ll have…” I started.
“It’ll be right up,” she answered. “If there’s anything else I can get you, just yell ‘Suzy!’ and I’ll be right here.” She hustled away from the table, pausing to grab a coffee pot from the serving station and refill cups as she went through the restaurant.
“Did we order?” I asked.
“Hon, things have gotten too weird for even me to comprehend. And I’m the queen of weird. I thought we were just on some simple quest. What was the motel clerk guy upset about?” Misty asked.
“Apparently, there was more stuff in the diploma folder than just the map. Did you see anything?” I reached for the folder.
“Oh, yeah. There’s a bunch of papers in there. Looked like a passport, too. I didn’t figure we’d need that right away, anyway. I didn’t really look at the other stuff after I found the TripTik.” She handed it to me.
“Supposedly, there’s a bunch of instructions in there,” I said, opening the folder. Geez! The thing was packed with maps, tickets, instructions on recharging the car, how to use the mortarboard, cords, and stole, and a sheet called ‘Instructions for the Warrior Wizard.’ How could my aunt not have thought any of that was important? I broke the seal on the instruction sheet and spread it out.
“Oh, this is exciting,” Misty said. We were both shoveling down the salad so fast we hardly noticed when Suzy approached the table again. I looked up as she set a huge porterhouse steak sizzling on a metal platter in front of me. She gave Misty some kind of fancy chicken breast with vegetables and a sauce that looked like it was the antidote for a diet. Our coffee cups were refilled and Suzy smiled sweetly before she drifted off to tend to other customers.
“Did we order?” I asked again. I cut into the steak and it nearly fell apart. Perfect! Charred on the outside and barely warm and red on the inside. The instructions would have to wait a few minutes while I gobbled down the steak and loaded baked potato that was on the platter next to it. The thing was huge. I estimated it might be two full pounds of melt-in-your-mouth heaven. Misty attacked the chicken with moans that were decidedly sexual.
When we’d finished the main course, Roadkill was crunching up the big bone out of the steak and Shasta was delicately tearing apart pieces of the chicken from Misty’s plate.
“Oh, man! I couldn’t eat another bite!” Misty moaned. Just then, Suzy appeared again to whisk away our dirty dishes and return with two huge hot brownies with ice cream and chocolate fudge syrup. And more coffee. Somehow, we managed to devour them!
“I really need to read these instructions now,” I said. “All I want to do is crawl in bed and sleep after that meal, but the old man seemed to think this stuff is urgent.” I unfolded the instruction document and flattened it on the table so we could read.
Dear Warrior Wizard,
We are in desperate need of your help. The most precious jewel of our crown has been stolen and we fear may never be seen again without the assistance of a powerful Warrior Wizard. Please follow the directions on the map and drive to East Love as quickly as you safely can. Make only one overnight stop and make haste to our fortress. DO NOT become involved in local affairs or have any more congress with people you chance to meet than absolutely necessary. The future of our domain lies in your hands. You are our only hope, WW.
Regis Ferdinand Rex
Well, shit, Obi-Wan.
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