Jackie the Beanstalk
Chapter 6
A Pocketful of Beans
WE GOT BACK to our hotel room and spread all the documents out on the coffee table. I couldn’t believe all we’d looked at was the TripTik. But, to be fair, I only told Misty to see where it said we should go. She grabbed the first thing with an answer. We never bothered to look further.
What we found was an array of miscellaneous information and travel documents. For example, there were a pair of “Bearer Passports” that said the bearer was permitted to cross from one land to another. I wondered what Homeland Security had to say about that. There was a charm that was the equivalent of a ‘Get out of Jail Free’ card. If you were imprisoned, it could be used to get you out.
The most interesting to me was the ‘Weapons and Armor Manual.’ It showed a picture of my entire graduation regalia, describing the use of each item. My mortarboard, for example, was the equivalent to Xena’s Chakram. Well, I’d already discovered that. It could be used thrown or handheld. There was nothing about it returning to me, though. I guess that’s what Roadkill was for.
The manual included a lot more stuff. Some that I had and some I’d acquired. The basketball in the back of the car could be used as a kind of Molotov cocktail, it burst into flames when throwing it. The hard ball I used to play catch with Roadkill was a kind of blunt projectile. The manual specified that a slingshot was an effective weapon against giants, but only if the giant was hit in the forehead. And my gown itself seemed to have some kind of protective powers, though I found the manual rather vague about that.
“Look at this,” Misty said. She held out another booklet titled, ‘The Book of Wizardry.’ Hmm. I guess it made sense to have a separate book for the Warrior and the Wizard. Supposedly, I was both.
“Oh, crap!” I said as I opened it. “It’s in French!” I need to tell you that I took three years of high school French as was required for graduation. French was the reason I didn’t have a 4.0 grade-point average. I wouldn’t have had a 3.5 if it weren’t for all the AP classes I took. “I’ll never understand the spells if I have to speak them in French!”
“Madam Auclair would be so disappointed in you,” Misty said, citing our high school French teacher.
“Madam Auclair was always disappointed in me,” I sighed. “I guess now, we just get some sleep until Regis Ferdinand Rex summons us or something.” I hung my robe and regalia, with new respect for them. Then I went into the bathroom for a shower and washed out my underwear. It was surprisingly fresh yet. I wondered if there were a bunch of other spells on things that I didn’t know about. Like the gas tank that was always full. When I came out of the bathroom, Misty threw a nightshirt at me and went to take her own shower. I was asleep before she finished.
I woke to persistent knocking on the motel room door. I got up and automatically pulled my gown on as if it were a bathrobe, then went to see who was there. It was a little man. That’s all I could describe him as. About three feet tall, it took a minute before his eyes had traveled all the way up to mine. He stepped back across the hall so he didn’t have to crane his neck so far.
“The Honorable Warrior Wizard and her companions are invited to join Regis Ferdinand Rex for breakfast. Breakfast will be served in two hours. May I carry your response?”
“Um… We’ll be happy to meet for breakfast, but you need to tell me where as well as when.”
“Our sovereign prefers to breakfast at nine o’clock in the sun room of the fortress. I’ll return to report your reply.” With that he ran away from the door and jumped into a golf cart to zip away from the motel. I couldn’t tell exactly where he was going. I returned to bed, but didn’t bother to lie back down. I pulled out my backpack and rummaged around to see if there was anything appropriate to wear to breakfast with the Sovereign—whatever he was called.
“You should wear your official regalia,” Misty said. “Apparently, cap and gown is the uniform of the Warrior Wizard.”
“Why do I suddenly want to wear shorts and a tank top?” I asked. As I shoved acceptance of the idea that I was in an alternate dimension away from me, I realized I was becoming more and more petulant and whiny. I heaved a deep breath and pulled off the robe so I could put on my favorite sports bra and court shorts. I debated wearing shorts and a tank top under the gown, but I was really getting used to wearing it like a bathrobe and thought it rather funny that appearing before the Sovereign in my bathrobe and underwear was the height of politeness.
“You look very nice,” Misty said. I sat at the desk in the room and she rubbed some kind of hair oil on my head and combed my short hair into place. She turned me toward her and applied a bit of foundation to my face and eyeliner. At least the lipstick didn’t make my mouth look bigger than it already was. I looked in the mirror and decided I didn’t look any worse than I had at graduation.
Misty got ready quickly by putting on lacy underwear and a cute sundress. Maybe it was a little short, but I was sure no Sovereign would complain about seeing Misty’s legs. She had a pretty pair of high heel sandals. I, of course, wore wool socks and my army boots.
“Now all we need to do is find this place for breakfast.” We took the travel documents all with us and seeing nothing around that looked like a fortress, got in the car. Both Roadkill and Shasta sat up in back, an unusual position for them.
“The TripTik says right and right again,” Misty said, looking at our paper GPS. I drove out of the motel parking lot and turned right. Half a block farther on, I turned right again. “There should be a sign up here for Main Street. Follow it to the right again.” We followed the sign and about half a mile later we saw it. “That’s it,” Misty sighed.
“Please tell me that isn’t just the courthouse,” I sighed. We’d made it to the town square and there was a huge castle-like structure in the middle of it. Stationed around the corners were the obligatory displays of cannons and cannonballs. Only these had real-life soldiers manning them, ready to fend off… something. What did the courthouse have to defend itself against?
We were waved into a driveway and up to a portico. I was shown a place to park and the four of us got out of the car. Doormen showed us the way and opened doors for us. I guess that’s what doormen are supposed to do. There was no elevator in this old building. We were pointed to a vast sweeping staircase that split in the middle and led left and right. We followed to the right and then around a balcony to another staircase that was walled off from the main rotunda. At this level, a butler in formalwear met us and ushered us into the dining room where we were shown to the head of the table where a man stood to greet us.
He was absolutely ordinary in every way. He wore a dark suit and tie with a white shirt—all of which reminded me of the thugs the night before. He was a few inches shorter than me, but that was still an average height for men. He reached for my hand and I shook with him.
“Warrior Wizard and…” he turned to take Misty’s hand “…consort. Welcome to the Sovereign Land of Victoriana.”
“Your Sovereignty,” we responded, nodding our heads forward. Misty had found that in a book of etiquette in our travel documents.
“And these, your familiars,” the Sovereign said turning to Roadkill and Shasta. They both bowed. Apparently, their book of manners was more complete than mine. “How delightful. Please have a seat. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, you know. And please, just call me Regis. No need to keep using titles while we break bread together.”
“Likewise, Regis. I’m Jackie and this is Misty. Attending us are Roadkill and Shasta,” I said as we were seated to the right of the man. Two women entered the room and took the seats to his left.
“Jackie and Misty, may I present my wife Regina Elizabeth Rex and daughter Princess Bridget Rex,” Regis said. Somehow or other their first names all sounded like titles. They greeted us politely. I got the feeling the daughter was in her early to mid teens, though the mother didn’t look more than twenty or twenty-five. Well, maybe a trophy wife. “We are so happy you could get here,” Regis said as servants brought plates of food for us and set them on the table. I noticed they set plates that looked almost as appealing in front of the animals. And the food smelled delightful. It was just a good down home breakfast with bacon, sausage, eggs, potatoes, and hot black coffee. Everyone dug in.
“I understand there was a slight miscommunication and we were expected two days ago. I’m afraid our early instructions were lacking significant bits,” I said.
“That happens when we’re dealing with the other side. Had a minstrel come through once five years after she was expected. But it all balances out. We were expecting one person and received four,” Regis said. “I am sorry to say, however, that the delay may have put the task out of reach.”
“Your note said only that the jewel of your crown had been stolen. Must be pretty big. Diamond? Ruby? Emerald?” I asked. It would help to know what we were looking for.
“Oh! No! Language can be a great barrier to communication sometimes. It is our son who is missing,” Regis said.
“And you’ve been waiting for me to get here to go after him?”
“Don’t think so poorly of us,” Regina said. “Regis sent an entire police company after them. We just knew a real Warrior Wizard would be better able to handle the situation. I’m afraid our police are not terribly efficient.”
“Worse yet, I believe we may have been tricked into sending them. It has left the Land short of police to enforce the laws and certain criminal elements are taking advantage of the situation to gain a foothold in the city. Hopefully, you have not and never will meet any of the unsavory characters in that element,” Regis said.
“We may have run across some of them last night when we got to town. We stopped at the big hotel on the west side of town for the night. We had to defend ourselves before we moved to the Knights’ Inn,” I confessed.
“Oh, dear. That’s what Clark was going on about when he came last night. That means the Caesars have been warned that you are here. It could make it tricky getting you out of town to pursue the kidnappers. We’ll set up a diversion when the time comes,” Regis said.
“I’m afraid I don’t understand the subtleties of what is going on,” I said. “Perhaps if you could explain what has happened and what you want us to do about it, we could help you.”
“Of course.” Regis pushed his plate away and a servant swept in to collect all our dishes. Apparently, when the Sovereignty is finished, everyone is finished. “Eleven months ago, our son, Baron Federico Rex was in the park on the east side of the fortress. His governess was with him and the usual array of soldiers were patrolling the grounds. Suddenly, a fog arose, sending everyone into confusion. People were stumbling around, running into each other, and generally being worthless, amidst which confusion, the governess continually called out for her charge, all without answer. When the fog cleared, Baron was gone. Half a dozen soldiers were found slumped over the barrels of the cannons, and the governess was swinging on the swing set, singing ‘Swing Low, Sweet Chariot,’ which is all we’ve managed to get out of her ever since.”
“Excuse me, Regis. This happened eleven months ago?” Misty asked. “And you were concerned about Jackie being two days late?”
“Why the sudden rush to recover your son?” I asked, following up on Misty’s questions. “He’s been gone nearly a year.”
“We were certain we could recover him at first. Then there were negotiations that took forever. We finally realized they were simply trying to delay things until it was too late.”
“Too late for what?” I asked.
“For the succession ritual next month. We hold a ritual each year in which the sovereign names his successor. Of course, that doesn’t mean he’s abdicating; only that a successor has been named. But once a successor has been named, which Baron was just before he was abducted, he must be affirmed on Succession Day each year. If he fails to appear, any other house in the Land could put forward their candidate for succession and call a vote. Old August is sure to put his grandson Valentine up for election. He would probably need only to intimidate a few extra people to show up and have the succession changed.”
“It sounds like a bunch of internal politics and something I shouldn’t get involved in. After this Valentine was elected as successor, your son, Baron, would be returned to you. It just means it would no longer be your line that succeeds to the sovereignty. Why would I care?”
“Valentine is both mean and incompetent,” Regis fumed. “You’re right. If he was a good person, I’d have no difficulty with surrendering the succession. But meanness and incompetence are a dangerous combination.” He stopped and caught his breath for a moment. “And he would expect us to acknowledge the succession by marrying Princess off to him. If you bring back the jewel of our crown, I will betroth you to him and you will become the First Lady of Victoriana,” he finally sighed.
Ish! I had no desire whatsoever to become betrothed to a boy I’d never met, who still needed a governess and was unable to defend himself. And across from me, I saw a person who agreed. Princess was seething. I shook my head.
“Where can I find this Valentine so I can make my own judgment?” I said.
“He hangs out at the resort hotel on the east edge of town. He usually has three henchmen nearby. He talks them into doing mean things, but when the tables turn against him, he proves himself a coward and runs away, letting the three take the blame,” Regis said. “You really don’t want to meet him.”
“I think I might already have done so,” I said. “Last night, we attempted to eat at the steakhouse there. Four men attempted to throw me out while keeping Misty with them. One of them is now missing an eye. The remaining three were around my car when I decided to leave, intending to smash it up with a sledge hammer. Two of them are probably recovering from headaches and minor concussions. I hope they’re minor. In both instances, the last man raised his hands and ran away.”
“That would be Valentine,” Regis agreed. “Okay. If you don’t want to be First Lady, I’ll give you half of Victoriana. Not the best half, of course. The other half.”
“I’ll try to find your son and bring him back,” I said. “No promises. I’m kind of new to this hero thing. I’ll not do it for his hand or for half your kingdom. Not interested. That’s so medieval. Come up with some other kind of reward when I succeed.”
“Jackie the Beanstalk, Warrior Wizard, you shall have all the help I can give you,” Regis said pompously. “I’ve already arranged for our armorer to go over your weapons and armor and make sure they are in good shape. The kitchen will supply any comestibles you need. If there is anything else we can do to help, please let us know.”
The butler arrived and I was ushered out with Misty, Roadkill, and Shasta.
We were not taken to my car, but wound our way down to the dungeons, if such a term applied here. They were actually below-ground offices and workrooms. There I met Tomas, the armorer. Looking at the walls of the armory was like looking at both a museum and state of the art weapons display.
“Ah, yes, yes,” he said, holding up a sleeve of my graduation gown. “This is a lovely suit. Well-made. Protective. Nice color for you. Hmm. No pockets. We need to correct that. And this! Ah! You are tying your binding cord around your waist? The light blue should be hung from your neck with the white and gold. White for whip. Gold for submission. Blue to bind and hold.” That sounded like a reasonable color to use for holding the robe closed, but he wasn’t happy until he had it off and hung around my neck. That left the robe hanging open, of course. No big deal. I wasn’t in dressy underwear. I was just wearing my workout things.
“Wow! You get right down to it, don’t you?” Misty giggled. Tomas looked over at her.
“Really? You are going to battle at the Warrior Wizard’s back dressed like that? Do you think this will be a stroll along the boardwalk on a Sunday afternoon? This will never do. Renée! Come out here and dress this companion appropriately. They may do battle in rugged terrain. We can’t have her being torn to shreds. It would distract the Warrior Wizard.” In a moment, a woman who was simply the female version of Tomas was examining and measuring Misty. She was thin and fussy, constantly batting Misty’s hands away from where she wanted to measure.
“I suppose you have something for Shasta and Roadkill, too,” I laughed. Tomas looked down at the two animals sitting at attention beside us.
“Oscar! Familiars to arm for battle!” he called out. The man who arrived could have been Tomas’s twin. In fact, I suspected the three of them could be triplets. Oscar was down on the floor with the dog and bobcat, rolling around and talking to them as they played together.
“Oh, you are such brave and gallant and noble friends for the Warrior Wizard and her Maiden Companion. Shall we get you some armor to match theirs? You’ll be the envy of all the other familiars. Come on. Let’s get you outfitted.” Oscar jumped up and ran out of the room with Roadkill and Shasta right behind him. I assumed I’d see them again eventually.
“Now, if we just had a good snakeskin for your belt, that would be what the well-dressed Warrior Wizard would wear,” Tomas said, tugging the robe open and closed to see how much overlap there was.
“Sorry. Gave my snakeskin to a young would-be Warrior Wizard a couple of days ago. Good one, too. About six feet long.”
“And you gave it to a child?” Tomas said in horror.
“Well, I still have the rattles.”
“We will need them! Very well, off with it and let me get it fixed while we get you more armament.” I pulled off the robe with all its regalia and handed it to him. He rushed out of the room with it while I stood in my Under Armour sports bra and court shorts. And my mortarboard. I had to laugh, just thinking about actually wearing Under Armour under my armor. I turned my attention to Misty. I think every part of her body that could be measured, had been measured. She was a little pink in the face. Renée stepped back and looked at her as well.
“Leather,” she said. “The perfect companion piece.”
“Really?” Misty asked. “Isn’t leather awfully stiff and scratchy?”
“Ha! My leather will fit you like a second skin and feel better than the one you’re wearing.” She flew out of the room with Misty in tow, as fast as Tomas re-entered.
“Did you go get the rest of your weapons?” he demanded.
“I didn’t realize I was supposed to.”
“How else are we to equip you if we don’t know what you have?” he said, throwing his hands up in the air.
“How do I get out of here?” I asked. Tomas slammed his hand down on a bell on the table and my escort from earlier popped into the room. He wasn’t prepared to see me without my robe and looked startled.
“Take the Warrior Wizard to her car and help bring her weapons down here.”
I followed the steward to the car with only a moderate amount of embarrassment. I grabbed everything I could think of that was in the book of weapons and picked up the pouch Misty had made with the rattles in it.
Tomas made sure the basketball, my mortarboard, Roadkill’s ball, the slingshot and ammo, and the rattles were all to spec.
“You don’t have any magic herbs or talismans,” he complained.
“Why don’t I just take one of those AR15s?” I said. He looked at me in horror.
“There is a reason those are locked up.” He refused to answer any questions about the firearms and I was thankful that I’d ‘forgotten’ to bring the handgun in from the glovebox. He looked at the bag Misty had made and passed some kind of cloth over it, inside and out. He muttered that it would seal the leather so it would not leak the magic out. When he’d finished, he’d also revealed an intricate pattern on the leather. I wasn’t sure that Misty was even aware the bag had a pattern on it. I hadn’t seen it before.
He pulled a length of black cord out and laid it on the table.
“What’s the special power of the black cord?” I asked.
“No special power. You use it as a garrote or to hang someone.” He laid a handful of pebbles on the table that I thought might be more shot for the slingshot. On closer examination, though, they proved to be beans. “Magic beans,” he said solemnly. I almost cracked up. Then there were a couple of easily recognizable weapons—a short sword and a knife. He pulled packages of herbs out of drawers, a feather, and a magnifying glass. I was wondering how I was supposed to carry all this stuff.
Misty reappeared, wearing a red leather bra top and skin tight pants. I whistled.
“Isn’t this just the cutest?” she exclaimed. “Renée is a wizard with a needle. And look, it has pockets on the outside! Do I get any weapons?”
Tomas ran out of the room and brought back my robe and gear. He slipped it on my shoulder and if anything, it felt lighter and even more snuggly comfortable. Then he pulled the belt around me. The belt was silver that matched my stole. He showed me it had a lining where I could keep a little money. The sword and knife hung nicely from it, and there was a holster for the slingshot. Then he snatched my car keys out of my hand. Not having had anywhere to put them, I’d taken to wearing the keyring on my finger with the keys dangling off my hand. Tomas deposited the keys into my new pocket. There was a hook to hang the medicine bag from and he shoveled the beans into a pocket on the other side. Misty was given a nice knife and a staff that was almost as tall as she was. Her little high heeled sandals had been replaced with a pair of supple leather boots that matched her pants. Renée tied her hair back with a matching leather thong and after studying the whole effect for a moment pulled a large ruby from the desk and fixed it in Misty’s exposed navel. I’m not sure how she attached it. It looked like it grew there. She nodded her approval and changed places with Tomas so they could each inspect the other’s work.
That was when Oscar came back with Shasta and Roadkill. My dog was wearing a dark blue leather vest and a spiked collar! He came straight to me and sat waiting for me to inspect his armor and pet him. I did while Misty knelt beside Shasta and the bobcat jumped up on her bent knee. Misty automatically winced, expecting the bite of the cat’s needle-like claws. She got a look of pleasant surprise on her face as the leather prevented the claws from penetrating. Shasta wore a red leather collar with a ruby hanging from it.
“The little one is growing fast,” Oscar said. “She would outgrow a vest rapidly. However, these boots should expand as she grows.” We looked and, indeed, Shasta was wearing a lovely pair of red leather boots on her hind feet.
“Aren’t you just the most precious Puss in Boots there’s ever been!” Misty exclaimed. “You’ll be able to walk into anything with those mighty boots!”
We made sure we had collected everything we needed and came with. I bounced Roadkill’s ball to him and he carried it proudly ahead of us as we finally left the fortress and made our way to the car.
As we were getting in, the short guy who brought our invitation to us in the morning, dashed up and handed me a packet of documents from the Sovereign. We resolved to actually look at and read this batch of papers before we left in the morning. We returned to the motel and went to dinner at the dumpy-looking restaurant across the parking lot.
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