Jackie the Beanstalk
Chapter 14
Journey’s End
YOU WOULD SCARCELY KNOW there had been a battle the next morning. A crane had removed the SUVs from the tops of the beanstalks and the stalks themselves had been cut down and pieces were sold as souvenirs. There was even a figurine of me that had been carved from the woody stem. How sweet. A road crew had been out to repair the damage I’d done to the highway trying to stop Valentine and his crew. You’d never see that kind of rapid response and repair work in the real world. That should convince anyone I was dreaming. But the hunk whose arm I was holding had done his best to convince me I wasn’t dreaming the previous night.
Traffic was the heaviest I’d seen since coming to Victoriana. A steady stream of cars passed the convenience store gas station hardware grocery espresso stand. We moved the wagons to stage ourselves to move out and give people access to the gas pumps and store. Dale was inside pulling shots of coffee with Misty’s assistance. Amos led our group out of the parking area and put on all speed to join the traffic to East Love. His tractor and hay wagon were the slowest vehicle in our procession. We had a lot of debate regarding who should go next and ended up with Hunter’s tribe following with their horse trailers. Then Misty jumped into the car and I led the circus wagons out in my Fairlane. The last in line were the diner truck and the ghost car. The ghosts would all arrive after dark, but Raymond and Joan were driving. Dale and Og said they would catch up in a few hours. We crossed the bridge and headed out of the little hamlet toward East Love.
With the speed of our convoy and necessary stops for animals and humans to relieve themselves, it took a long time to reach the festival.
Mile 1814
In fact, it was nearly dinner time when our convoy wound its way into town and circled the palace grounds. After making one full trip around the structure, which I was sure had once been a county courthouse, I pulled in to the portico where Regis and Regina Rex were standing on the steps. Mr. Hakuryu followed in his circus wagon while Freedom parked on the street. The rest of the convoy was parked around the square and were already setting up various acts with acrobats and jugglers. The food truck must have been cooking on the entire journey from the convenience store. Raquel and Bernard were serving food out the side of the truck as quickly as they could. Amos and his clan were set up for a square dance on one side of the grounds while Hunter and his tribe created a village on the other side and gave kids horseback rides.
And those were only the acts and people who were in our convoy. Dozens of booths and acts were set up on or near the grounds. Somehow, Joan and Raymond had set up an entire dining room area in the street and were advertising a ‘Dine with the Ghosts’ adventure, starting at nightfall.
Misty, Princess, and I got out of the Fairlane with Roadkill and Shasta taking up positions on either side of us. We met Mr. Hakuryu and Baron as they got out of their truck. Freedom and Scarecrow joined us as well. I bowed to the Sovereign and swept off my mortarboard.
“Your Sovereignty, I am pleased to return to you in the company of your children, Princess Bridget Rex and Baron Federico Rex. Accompanying us on this trip are the giant Freedom, the fixer Scarecrow, and the dragon Mr. Hakuryu, as well as my companions, Misty, Roadkill, and Shasta,” I said with all the formality I could muster.
“As promised, Wizard Warrior Jackie, you shall be rewarded up to half the sovereign lands of Victoriana for returning the jewel of our crown to us,” the sovereign said. He swept down the stairs to embrace his son.
“Not so fast, Dad,” Baron said. “Jackie has been a kind escort and bodyguard, but it was my sister Princess Bridget Rex, who rescued me by defeating the dragon in the Last Battle. Therefore, it is Princess who deserves the reward of half the sovereignty. And in grateful appreciation of her heroism, I, Baron Federico Rex, heir to the sovereign and established successor, grant to Princess Bridget Rex the other half of our sovereignty that the Land might be united under her beneficence.”
I was pretty sure Hakuryu had coached him on that speech. I wondered what they’d been doing on the journey.
“You walked right into that one, Ferdinand,” Pop said.
Pop!? My head snapped away from the family reunion and up a step to where Mam and Pop were standing. Misty and I rushed them to give them a big hug.
“What are you doing here?” I asked. “And how did you get here?”
“Well, hello to you, too,” Mam said. “What kind of greeting was that?”
“I mean… I’m so happy to see you, but I’m so confused! I never expected to see you in my dream.”
“Dream? You aren’t dreaming, girl,” Pop said. “We got here by one of the usual ways. Over the mountain pass with a stop at the diner for a chili burger and fries. Then we drove straight here. What you were supposed to do.”
“But how do you know the Rexes?” I pressed.
“Oh, Mam and I met them years ago, when we were on the great motorcycle rally around the country.”
“But that was like… a long time ago. Were Regis and Regina babies?”
“No, no, no. Nothing like that. Time just moves at a different pace here than it does back home. Why, next time you chance to arrive here, you’ll have aged by the time you were away and the people here will scarcely seem to have aged at all.”
That made me stop and think. First, it seemed to be expected that I’d leave the Land and go back to our reality. Second, no matter how long I stayed away, when I came back, people here would scarcely have aged. I reached back and felt Freedom’s reassuring hand in mine.
“Mam, Pop, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend, Freedom. We met a few days ago, but I’ve fallen head over heels in love.”
“Oh, dear,” Mam said. “Oh! It’s nice to meet you, Freedom. This complicates things. Very complicated.”
“Friends, we need to go make things official and let people start partying,” Regis said. “Come and join us on the stage for the succession ritual.”
The fanfare that welcomed us sounded a lot bigger than the dozen or twenty instruments I could see clustered together. The sovereign’s short minion, Clark, hurried us over to where we were to walk up the aisle to the platform on which Baron and Princess’s parents and my grandparents were waiting. Misty and I flanked Baron and Princess with Roadkill and Shasta beside us and Freedom and Hakuryu behind us. The three armorers—Tomas, Renee, and Oscar—who had outfitted us before the adventure rushed up to us with brushes and damp cloths to clean our clothes as we stood there. I personally thought Renee spent a little too much time making sure Freedom’s chest and stomach were clean.
Then it was time to process to the front.
You know that last scene in the original Star Wars where Han, Luke, Chewy, R2-D2, and C-3PO get their big reward and the band plays. Well, George Lucas got it right. He just hung medals on their necks and everyone applauded. Run the credits. The reality was not nearly as fun. I swear that Regis spoke for half an hour about the Land and its friends from the other side. He spoke of the importance of unity and kindness in going forward. He scarcely mentioned the kidnapping and the Caesars’ attempt to usurp the throne. I noted, however, that a gaunt man not far away looked plenty upset and furtively looked around. I began fingering my cords as I watched him and almost missed bending down to get my own medal hung around my neck.
Then there was the big investiture and transfer, making Princess the sovereign-elect. Regis also announced his support for Freedom’s quest to return to his mother with Hakuryu and his granting of the request of his daughter and son to go with them. Nothing was mentioned about me.
Finally, we cleared the stage and various acts took over entertaining. Raymond and Joan announced the opening of the Dine with a Ghost adventure and I took Freedom and Misty and the animals over to where they were set up so we could have dinner.
It was quite lovely, even though I wasn’t sure where Joan was doing her cooking. People saw the Warrior Wizard dining with the ghosts and flocked to the improvised dining room. It looked like they would be very successful. In another part of the festival, Hunter’s minstrel was singing the Ballad of the Warrior Wizard after which Little Luke told of his adventure on Thunder Mountain. Just then, another man stepped up and told an equally riveting tale about the battle with the werewolves and I recognized hapless Charlie. There was another verse of the ballad.
But people weren’t finished embarrassing me. Dale told the story of the taming of the ogre and punctuated it by kissing the big oaf. Then there was the basketball battle with the giant, followed by the Last Battle at the convenience store. With each telling, the stories were embellished a little more until you wouldn’t have recognized the actual event from the ballad that was being sung.
The revelers partied late into the night. It was well after midnight when I was finally able to slip into the wagon with my giant.
I woke up suddenly at about 3:30 in the morning. Freedom was breathing deep and easy. But I had a sudden feeling that things weren’t right. I slipped out of bed, careful not to disturb my boyfriend, and pulled on my cap and gown, belting on my sword and dagger. Ever so quietly, I opened the door to the wagon and slipped out into the darkness. Even Roadkill, lying across the doorway, didn’t stir. I tried to count back however many days it had been since the full moon werewolf battle, but lost track. Either we were in the dark phase or it hadn’t risen yet. Regardless, it was black as pitch out. That made me wonder where the streetlights were. There had been lots of light all evening. I looked over toward where the ghost party had been and could see faint shapes of them hovering motionless in the air. Something was definitely wrong.
I started working my way around the perimeter of the large square and saw the playground from which Baron had initially been abducted. It looked normal, but one swing was rocking back and forth as if someone had just left it. At the corner of the square, where there was a cannon, the two policemen who were honor guards were slumped over.
I scooted on around the building, as a fog began to creep in from all around the square. I hurried toward my car, still parked with Mr. Hakuryu’s wagon under the buidling’s portico. And there I saw him: The gaunt figure I’d earlier identified as August Caesar. He was just standing up from putting something under my car. Then he turned to the front door of the palace, raised his arms, and started chanting.
No good could come of this. I needed to break up whatever spell he was working on. I didn’t have my basketball, but Roadkill’s ball was in my pouch. I gripped it firmly and let it fly as if I were pegging it from first to third. It hit him, but he shrugged it off as if it were a fly that buzzed him. I pulled my slingshot out and began firing clay pellets at him, watching them bounce off some kind of invisible wall surrounding him. Still, he was chanting and the fog was getting closer. I needed to get closer and get personal. I reached for a bean, but I’d used the last of them at the gas station. Instead, I felt the feather Tomas had given me. What the hell could I do with a feather? Then I thought that so far, I’d been trying to attack and was just bouncing off as he kept chanting. I needed to distract him.
I held the feather in the palm of my hand and blew softly toward Caesar.
“Chatouiller,” I whispered. The feather drifted toward the wizard and slipped silently through his wards. It started with his ears. I saw him twitch a little, but he didn’t break off the chant. The feather circled his neck and he shrugged his shoulders, but still chanted. The fog was almost to us now. I urged the feather on. It crept up from beneath his chin and began to tickle his nose. It took a moment as he struggled to keep chanting and then suddenly sneezed. The fog drifted back as if blown by his sternutation. He jerked around toward me and the wards fell away. I started toward him but a gesture had me fighting against a wall of gelatin.
“You can’t stop me with your little tricks. Everyone is asleep and I will drag both brats out of the palace and take them away with me. No Rex will ever see the throne in Victoriana again!” he declared. I’d had about enough of this guy. I stepped back and the wall loosened around me. I drew my sword and dagger as he reached for the door handle. I sliced forward and felt the gelatin give way before the sword of truth. And with the next swing, it sliced through his extended hand.
He howled in rage and pain and swung the other hand toward me, a flaming sword in it. I didn’t hesitate. I sliced off the other hand and it and the sword both fell to the ground. The fog was fleeing now and lights were coming on in the square. The old man was not to be thwarted so easily. He began flailing at me with his bloody stumps and I couldn’t help but think of the black knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. ‘It’s just a scratch. I’ll kick you!’ I was whittling off pieces of his arm as he kept up his attack. And then he stopped and stared at me, his mouth open in a silent wail. His eyes looked down and I followed them to see his chest impaled on my dagger. August Caesar crumpled to the ground.
Lights! Camera! Action!
The entire square was suddenly bustling with activity. All the lights were on and soldiers who had only just been asleep on their cannons were rushing toward me. The ghosts were moving, doors were opening on wagons and in a moment the front doors of the palace were flung open and Regis stood staring at the ground. He looked in horror at the several pieces of August’s arms, the still flaming sword guttering in the severed hand. He looked at the bloody weapons in my hands and said, “Arrest her!”
Well, thanks a whole shitload. I stop a madman from breaking into the palace and creating all kinds of havoc and chaos and they throw me in jail.
Actually, there wasn’t any throwing involved. Unless I went over and stood in front of the cannon, there was no weapon the police could point at me. I unceremoniously wiped my sword and dagger on the old man’s robes, sheathed them, and accompanied them to the dungeon. Outside, Freedom, Hakuryu, Og, and Amos were raising a hullaballoo. Roadkill was barking and finally broke through to trot alongside me as we went down near where we’d been armed and outfitted just a few weeks ago.
Roadkill walked right into the cell with me and they closed the door behind us. I stretched out on the bed and went to sleep with Roadkill lying beside me. The next time I woke up, I was determined to wake up for real. I give them all this help and get a medal for a reward and save them from the evil wizard trying to break into the palace and they throw me in jail. Heck with ’em!
Unfortunately, I woke up in jail when they brought breakfast to me. It was a good breakfast and I thought I detected Bernard’s hand in how hot the food was and how flavorful and filling. I’d met the palace chef once on my first visit to East Love and he made a fine meal. Joan had cooked an excellent breakfast at the ghost hotel. Mr. Hakuryu’s cook had made a terrific breakfast. But nothing quite compared to the breakfast Bernard had sent with us from the diner that was still hot and fresh when we ate it the next morning.
I ate and drank the coffee, feeding bits to Roadkill, even though he had his own dish. I kept thinking I heard voices, but no one came near my cell. I’d finished breakfast and the last of my coffee when the guard came to get me. He was accompanied by one of the kitchen staff who cleaned up my dishes on a cart and backed away from me carefully.
“Warrior Wizard, if you would please accompany me, the court is ready to convene. Please don’t hurt me. I didn’t want you put in jail. It was obvious to everyone that you’d broken some enchantment the old man was weaving.”
“Don’t worry. I’ve got no beef with you.” It was pretty ridiculous that I had just spent a night in jail fully armed. I was still in my cap and gown with all the regalia. I had my sword and dagger, plus the slingshot and pellets. Roadkill was proudly carrying his ball. No one else was carrying any armament that I could detect, though August Caesar had done just fine with his hands and produced a flaming sword out of thin air.
As we climbed the stairs to the upper levels, the sound of voices became more pronounced. Loud, angry voices filled the atrium as a crowd was held back from rushing the palace. When I appeared, there was a loud cheer. Freedom broke through the ring of guards and dragged Misty with him to my side. Shasta leapt to Roadkill’s back and rode in style. The guards didn’t seem to care that my entourage was now complete, they were focused on seeing to it that no one else got through. We went up to the second floor and were ushered into a typical county courtroom. It could have come directly out of a Perry Mason TV show. I was led to the front left of the courtroom where Pop was waiting for me. The others slid into the first row of seats next to Mam.
“What the heck is going on here?” I asked Pop. “Why is the sovereign so upset?”
“If I were to guess, it would be that Caesar left some kind of geas on him,” Pop said. “We need to break through it and open his eyes. He ate like an automaton at breakfast this morning.”
“Great. Now the guy who wanted me here wants me put away. I’m ready to go back home,” I pouted.
“Well, that’s not exactly where you should go,” Pop said. “Mam and I came to meet you and drive the rest of the way to Winston with you. We have your things and Misty’s packed in a U-Haul trailer so we can get you settled into your apartment before training camp starts.”
“What? Training camp doesn’t start until August. It’s only, um… like the end of June? Right?” I suddenly wasn’t sure what date it was.
“It’s the whole time-distortion thing,” Pop said. “You might have been here in the Land for only two or three weeks, but we left home two months after you did.”
“That’s bizarre.”
The court came to order as the Sovereign entered and everyone stood. I thought it was strange that there was no one over at the prosecution’s table. Just Pop and me at the defendant’s table. We all sat down and the Sovereign rapped his gavel to call us to order. It was plain to see he wasn’t himself.
“Prosecutor, read the charges!” he declared. There was no prosecutor present. The sovereign got up and came around to the front of the bench and read out the charges as if he were the prosecutor.
“On the day in question, while the entire town of East Love was in peaceful repose, the Wizard Warrior Jackie did confront and murder a random citizen of the town on the palace steps. We request the immediate imprisonment of the defendant for life.”
“I object, your honor!” Pop said. We waited for the Sovereign to get back behind his desk as judge.
“Overruled,” he said. “We declare the defendant guilty and sentence her to life in prison.” There was a roar of outrage from the people in the courtroom with several standing and heading toward the bench. Shasta jumped to the table and hissed. We could hear an answering roar from the downstairs and it seemed to be getting closer.
“This is too much,” I said. Pop tried to hold me back, but I stood and walked straight up to the bench. “You’re under the influence of an evil wizard,” I declared to the judge. “But you’ve chosen to convict me for having protected you and your family from one who wanted nothing more or less than to take your throne. Well, I’ve had enough.” I slapped a piece of paper on the judge’s desk and shouted, “Libérer!” My get out of jail free card.
“You can’t do that! You have to go to jail. Something is wrong. Someone stop her. It’s not right. I need to go to jail. Someone arrest me.” The Sovereign was pretty much down to gibberish by the time we reached the doors of the courtroom. We headed down to the lobby where people started cheering like I was a long-lost savior instead of a just-released criminal. I was beyond caring. My car was still parked in front of the palace with Hakuryu’s wagon behind. I turned to Freedom. And he pulled me into a hug the likes of which I wanted never to end.
“What now, Jackie?” he asked.
“I’m headed for college at Winston in Iowa. I have to report to basketball camp so I can be one of the Winston Warriors this winter. Just get in your truck and follow me out of here.” I kissed him firmly.
“I can’t do that,” he said. I looked at him blankly. “I can’t leave the Land and I’ve promised to return to my mother with Hakuryu. Can’t you come with us?”
“If I stay in the Land any longer, I’ll miss the whole school year, my scholarship, my opportunities. You have to come with me. You have to,” I complained, knowing my words were futile. I kissed him again and turned to motion Misty and the animals into the car. That’s when I saw the bundle lying under the wheel, smoking slightly.
I looked up at the Sovereign, babbling on the steps and wondered where Princess and Baron and Regina were. I scraped the bundle out from under the car with my toe and Regis focused on it, pointing. I could see others beginning to track the bundle. This could get bad.
I snatched the magnifying glass out of my bag and began to examine the bundle. It was tied up with a cord and the tendril of smoke was escaping through the tie. I’d read about this in the manual the first night—a horcrux. The wizard had transferred his soul into the bundle. It needed to be destroyed before he captured everyone in his power. And the answer was in my hand. A bright spot shone on the bundle where the magnifying glass focused the sunlight. I adjusted the distance to the bundle and the spot became hot. I cooked that little bundle with the sunlight and in a few minutes, it burst into flames and disintegrated.
I looked around. The people looked like they were just waking up. Regis sank down with a sigh. Suddenly Princess burst through the doors and ran to me, wrapping her arms around me.
“Thank you! Thank you, Warrior Wizard. It was terrible. We could see everything that was going on and couldn’t do anything. Please don’t hate father. He wasn’t himself,” she said. Regis was being propped up between two of his retainers. He waved at me.
“She’s right. I could see what I was doing and I couldn’t do anything about it. Thank you again for freeing us.”
“Well, I’m afraid I still need to go,” I said. Mam and Pop pulled up in front with the U-Haul behind their Fusion. “Are you sure, Freedom? Time runs differently out there. It could be years before I can come back.”
“You conquered me and brought me back to life,” he said. “I will always love you, Jackie the Beanstalk. Always.” He let me go and we piled into the Fairlane. Just Misty, Roadkill, and me again. I snapped my head back to the back seat again. And a bobcat kitten. Oh, life on the other side was still going to be interesting.
We drove over the pass and down to the Land of Anatnomia, only there was no customs house or border crossing there. We headed south and pulled into a roadside taco restaurant called Pepe’s. They had a good burrito.
“Don’t you need gas?” Pop asked as we got ready to leave. I looked at the gauge. It was riding just above empty. Wow! Good thing he said something. While I filled the tank, I pulled off my cap and gown and grabbed a pair of shorts and T-shirt out of my backpack. We headed toward Iowa.
I was sad. I’d found true love and we belonged in different worlds. I didn’t care about the magic or being a warrior wizard. Love! I’d found it and lost it. Misty turned on the radio and as we followed Mam and Pop, we sang along with the music.
Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose
Nothin’, and that’s all that Bobby left me.
I was already thinking about my return trip for the Christmas holidays. I wondered how much time would have passed. Apparently, it wasn’t just a dream.
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