Jackie the Beanstalk
Chapter 13
The Last Battle
Mile 1671
FOR HAVING SUCH a celebratory atmosphere among the caravan, we managed to get a reasonable start to the day. I nearly didn’t let Freedom get out of bed, but Misty came knocking at our door and called us to breakfast. I suppose I was still a little red in the face as everyone seemed to look our way and smile knowingly. Well, what of it? I was truly happy for the first time on this whole trip.
Not that I’d been particularly unhappy. Except when I killed a robber, and snapped the head off a snake in the middle of a thunderstorm, and faced down an ogre, and fought off four guys trying to walk off with Misty, damage my car, and kidnap Princess. Anyway, there was always Pepe’s Tacos. That was good.
Ah, well. I was happy now.
We got in our cars and trucks and headed out of the campground after doing a thorough job of policing the area for trash and restoring picnic tables to their respective sites. As usual, Misty, Princess, and I led, with Shasta and Roadkill watching the road. Scarecrow had mounted Freedom’s cab and was riding with him.
We were familiar with this part of the road since we drove it just two or three weeks ago. I was scanning the sky for thunder clouds. I definitely didn’t want to be caught out in one of the mountain monster’s attacks. We passed the barn, though it looked like just an abandoned farm and not the treaty shelter we had taken refuge in. On the other hand, my WW with a flaming basketball was painted on the side. There was still no sign of a storm, so we pressed on.
“Hey, aren’t we about to the gas and coffee stop?” I asked. Misty scrambled to get the TripTik open just as we pulled over to pass a big tractor and wagon with a couple of dozen people riding on it. I recognized Little Lukey, proudly wearing his snakeskin belt and his wooden sword. Sure enough, Old Amos was driving the tractor and waved at us, falling in at the end of the caravan.
“Oh, my gosh!” Misty exclaimed. “The TripTik is full of annotations. Most of them say things like ‘Caution!’ or ‘Keep Moving!’ or some such. There are three places marked ‘Possible Ambush!’ I should have been watching the map all along!”
“What about the gas stop?” I demanded.
“It’s marked about ten miles up with a note that says ‘Circle the wagons!’ What do you suppose that means?” Misty asked.
“I’d say it means we’re about to get attacked. Possibly from all sides.” I picked up speed a little and stuck an arm out my window to motion the caravan forward a little faster. I didn’t dare move too fast because we had that tractor and wagon full of the McCoys at the tail end. I pulled over into the left lane so I could see the length of the caravan. We were stretched out way too far. “Roll down your window and motion Freedom forward, Misty!” I barked. She complied and in a second Freedom was leaning out the window to get instructions.
“Move ahead and circle the wagons at the convenience store five miles ahead!” Misty shouted. “Pick up speed and get everyone secure and inside the circle.” I’m sure Freedom shouted something back, but I couldn’t understand it. He picked up speed and Misty repeated her instructions to Mr. Hakuryu. I didn’t want to fall back too far or too fast, but I’d seen something that I didn’t want to leave any of our people to face. Six dark vehicles were gaining on us. I was going to get in trouble for this, but it was the only thing I had that might slow them down.
I’ve often heard the expression that the lead vehicle of a convoy goes twenty miles per hour. The last vehicle in the convoy goes sixty in order to catch up. Unfortunately, we had our slowest vehicle at the end of the column and by the time Amos got the message and opened his tractor up as fast as it would go, the black vehicles were closing on us and we still had two miles to go to the convenience store. As soon as Amos was clear and a hundred yards away, I spun the wheel hard and brought the Fairlane into the lane facing back the direction we’d been going. I slammed it into reverse and started backwards as I fished a bean out of my pocket. I could see now they were black SUVs and were just fifty yards behind us. I threw the bean.
“Éclater!” I shouted. I fished another bean out, not knowing how big of an explosion I’d get. The blast put a good-sized hole in the middle of the road and one of the vehicles tipped nose down into it. Another slammed into it from behind, but four managed to swerve around the crater and continue pursuit. I threw again.
“Fumée!” I yelled. Smoke filled my field of vision and I heard brakes being slammed on as I threw another. “Mur de pierre!” There was a satisfying crunch as at least one vehicle emerged from the smoke to run smack into a stone wall. I spun the car around again and quickly caught up with Amos as he pulled into the convenience store gas station. I noticed there were two trucks with campers pulling horse trailers. Hunter and his people were unloading the horses into the circle for safety as well. With ten vehicles, we were able to make a pretty solid wall from the corners of the convenience store around the pumps. Dale and Og rushed out of the garage and once they saw us, went straight to work helping the children into the store. That included the dozen kids who had already descended on us with brushes and hoses and were reluctant to leave them without washing our vehicles. Misty convinced them that we’d all like a car wash once the shooting stopped.
Shooting. Dang! I hoped not, but I reached into the car glove box and pulled out the pistol that should still have six silver bullets in it. I also grabbed my basketball. Seeing what I had, Freedom grabbed his from the back of his truck.
We were just in time. Only two of the banged up black SUVs made it through, but they’d collected all their men. Then, from the other direction, we saw nearly a dozen more headed toward us.
Roadkill in his blue vest and spiked collar, and Shasta in her green boots prowled back and forth watching what was happening, shepherding an errant child back into the store, and welcoming the townspeople who came into our circle through the store, toting shotguns and pitchforks. In front of us were at least fifty men in black getting ready to move forward.
Fortunately, no one was trigger-happy. In fact, I wasn’t sure some of the shotguns I saw had ever been fired. But as I looked at the men in black arrayed before us, it didn’t look like they had any firearms. They were rather aimlessly milling about trying to decide what to do now that they were here. It seemed for the most part as if they simply expected people to surrender to their visage of authority.
“Give us the Rex brats and the rest of you can go on your merry way!” Valentine finally called from behind a couple of his men. “You have two minutes to comply!”
“Or what?” I yelled back.
“Or face the consequences.”
“Come on, Valentine. You need to do better than that. We’ve gone pretty easy on you so far and you’re still all battered up. Your three stooges are no longer with you. Have you told all your loyal retainers there what happened to them? One missing an eye. One with a hole in his gut. One with the side of his head burned off. That’s what awaits those who attack us,” I yelled. A lot of the guys with Valentine were looking strangely at him and several backed up behind the cars.
“You can’t stand against us,” Valentine promised.
“We’ll wait,” I said.
“Really? You should just give up, Warrior Wizard. You are trying to stand against the whole of Caesar’s armies! The Great August Caesar has sent me to claim what is rightfully mine!” Valentine shouted.
“Not that impressive yet,” I said. “Tell me, Valentine; do you have any children?”
“No! I’m only nineteen!”
“It’s not all that likely that you’ll see twenty. Who inherits the sovereignty when you die?”
“Why would I die?” he asked. It sounded like he’d genuinely never considered the option.
“There’s a fifty-fifty chance that you’ll die in the defeat of Caesar’s armies today. I’ve instructed everyone to aim at you first. Eventually, people will stop shielding you and you’ll run away, if you aren’t dead. If by some miracle, you survive this battle, you’ll be executed by the sovereign for treason. If you should ever manage to ascend the throne, someone near and dear to you will poison you. Basically, the only way to be reasonably sure you’ll see your next birthday is to call off Caesar’s armies and leave us alone,” I said calmly.
He was getting nervous and kept looking skyward as if he were waiting for air support. I looked up and quickly saw what was happening. We were in the midst of a solar eclipse. The movie versions that show a dark shadow crossing the orb of the sun are a bunch of hooey. During a full eclipse, it doesn’t really get noticeably darker until the sun is almost fully occluded. That point, however, was coming near. People were getting nervous. I was afraid everyone would panic when it suddenly got dark.
I didn’t know the half of it.
We could feel the coolness and the shadow covering the sun only a second before a black shape swooped out of the sky and broke into half a dozen shapes—people in long black capes with fiery eyes and long front teeth rushing toward us.
“Vampires? Seriously?” I said. I didn’t hesitate. I pulled out my gun, drew a bead on the lead vampire and pulled the trigger. I hit center mass with a silver bullet and it became a gaping hole with an expanding ring of smoke that consumed the entire vampire. It vanished in a last wisp. I drew down on the next vampire.
“NO! Stop! We’ll leave!” the next vampire screeched. She turned and hissed at Valentine as the remaining vampires coalesced and flew away.
We didn’t really have time to fully appreciate the victory as Caesar’s army moved forward. They were met by another horde sweeping up out of the ground. The apparitions appeared so quickly that the army was taken completely by surprise.
“Sorry we’re late,” Raymond said from beside me. I turned and saw the ghost hotel manager and Joan, his chef daughter. Flooding toward the army were all the ghosts of Amherst. “We had to wait until dark to have the ghosts appear.”
“Where is the noise coming from?” I asked. Screeches and howls and a sound of rushing wind accompanied a noxious odor that was mostly focused in front of us, but I could still catch a whiff.
“You taught us. We recorded all kinds of effects and developed some odors we could use. Unfortunately, all the villagers will disappear when the eclipse fades, so we only have about five minutes.”
It was enough time for half the army to desert and six SUVs peeled out, headed back the way we’d come.
The screeching and the ghosts faded. The locals, the circus people, the treaty barn people and the rest all looked at me with a sense of wonder. The first battle was over. Of course, we knew there would be another strike from Valentine, but I rather thought he’d thrown his best at us with the vampires.
I was surprised that there had been no shots fired other than the one I used. I knew Valentine had a gun and I expected that his gang was the kind to hide behind maximum firepower. Somehow, I needed to get him tied up as quickly as possible. I heard a rhythmic beat to my right and looked to see Freedom bouncing a basketball. An idea came to me. I started bouncing my ball as well. We picked up a rhythm together and Hunter’s people pulled drums out of their trucks and picked up the beat. One of the circus people brought a big bass drum out and joined the rhythm.
It seems like there is always one would-be berserker in a crowd. While one group of people runs away, this one person gets hyper mad and decides to take on everyone himself. It looked like Valentine was egging his berserker on. The remaining army was falling in behind him and they were ready to charge.
At the first step, I flung my basketball with all my strength at the big bad guy. When it hit his forehead, it burst into flames, taking off all his hair in an instant. Must be using some kind of hair oil the way it went up like a torch. Freedom passed me another basketball as mine bounced back toward him. He snatched it out of the air one-handed and picked up the rhythm of the dribble. I put the second ball into the air, slamming a guy who was trying to sneak up on the outside corner. The big berserker advanced again. Freedom kept feeding me basketballs, but this guy was going to take some more power. I dipped my hand into my pouch and pulled out Roadkill’s ball.
I love the sound of the crack of the bat. This time, though, it was the berserker’s head that met the ball. Roadkill was in action at once, picking the bouncing ball out of the air and trotting back to the circle. This time the behemoth dropped like a rock. Two buddies grabbed his body and stuffed it in the back of an SUV. Three more jumped into the car with them and took off south—the direction of their friends’ retreat. I picked off another with a basketball. Somehow, Freedom was picking up all the rebounds and kept passing me balls, all the while maintaining the beat.
On one side, the local farmers, including Amos and his clan, had gone out to meet a flank of the attackers with pitchforks and clubs. Off to my right, Princess was in a sword fight with a guy who had all he could do to defend himself against her vicious attack. I tried to keep an eye on her, but was being pressed on one side by another guy with a sword. And on the other by a guy with a knife. The stole came off my shoulders and became a double ended sword with the handle in the middle. I knew this sword was insanely sharp as I’d sliced a werewolf in half with it.
The battle was short. They both attacked at the same time as I spun the sword in my hands. It made contact with both the knife and the sword at the same time and severed the blades. The two guys looked in disbelief at the handles they were holding, dropped them, and ran. The swordsman who had been battling Princess lost his weapon and joined the retreat. Two cars left the scene and the other combatants were falling back to their cars for cover. I saw Valentine dive for a car and it turned north toward East Love.
“Stop that car!” I yelled. The last three cars were revving engines, but looked like they planned to ram the circle of wagons. I couldn’t have that, even if shithead got away.
I plunged my hand into my pocket and pulled out the last three beans I had. I threw them at the cars. “Germer et pousser!” I shouted. I knew what I meant, but when they hit the ground under the three cars and sprouted, they looked awfully small. The cars started to move, but didn’t get more than a foot before the beanstalks lifted them into the air. In seconds, the cars were twenty feet in the air and the occupants were scrambling to find a way out and down as they kept getting higher.
I turned to look after Valentine and saw he, too, had not made it far. Og, the mountain ogre, had hold of the back bumper and it was lifted two feet off the ground as he dragged the car back to the gas station with its wheels spinning. Dale was quick with a set of jack stands to put under the axle of the car so it wouldn’t move, no matter how fast they spun the wheels. As Og set the car down, she put chocks in front and behind the front tires.
“Nice job, Og,” I said as I stepped up to him.
“Help Warrior Wizard,” he said, nodding. Oh, well. I had a feeling Dale didn’t want him for his scintillating conversation. I walked around the car until I spotted Valentine and tried to open his door. The coward had locked all the doors and was scrambling to get his gun loaded and ready. I didn’t have time to waste, so I whipped the stole off and swung it through the door frame, severing it. The door fell off and Valentine swung the gun around, just in time to be met by the gold cord circling his body.
“Drop it!” I commanded. The gun fell to the ground. Valentine looked scared. Freedom stepped up to one side of me and Og to the other. I’d guess that was a pretty menacing sight for a fellow who couldn’t be more than five-ten. I led Valentine into the circle of wagons and let the locals figure out how to deal with the car on blocks and the three on beanstalks. “I want you to obey me and give up this ridiculous drive to become the Sovereign,” I started.
“I can’t,” he said. I could tell he was struggling to do what I wanted him to under the cord of submission, but something else was stronger. “Grandfather put a compulsion on me and I can’t fight it off.” Well, that was crap. Now what was I going to do?
“Scarecrow!” I hollered.
“At your service, Warrior Wizard,” he said from nearby. Freedom moved aside and I could see the fixer.
“We have a problem here. Maybe you can fix it. Poor Valentine was placed under a compulsion by his grandfather to seek to become sovereign. That means, we can never let him go unless you can fix him,” I said.
“Let me see what I can do. He’s under duress right now. Do you have a cord that will bind him without making him submit?”
As a matter of fact, I did have. I quickly wrapped the blue cord around him and removed the gold. He immediately began to breathe more easily.
“Now, Valentine,” Scarecrow said, placing an arm around the boy, “do you really want to be your grandfather’s puppet in this?”
“No, sir. I was in college, but when I came home for the summer, Grandfather August put me in a trance and planted a compulsion to become the Sovereign elect. I just want to go back to college and party,” Valentine said. I got the feeling he didn’t really care about college if he could just party.
When Scarecrow started with probing questions, like, “How long has your grandfather been abusing you?” I left Valentine bound with my cord for what I assumed was going to be a long counseling session. I found Og and Dale escorting the men from Valentine’s car to a holding area.
“Dale, what’s the chance of getting a latte? Looks like we could be here a while.”
“No problem, Warrior Wizard. Misty is already at the bar pulling shots. Now that we have this car empty, Og can take care of it and I’ll go help her,” Dale said. She stripped off her coveralls and was suddenly the miniskirted barista that everyone naturally followed.
“Warrior Wizard Jackie, we can’t stop for long,” Princess said as she and her brother and Hakuryu approached. “Tomorrow is Succession Day and we need to be home for the ceremony.”
“According to our log book, there is only another 150 miles to East Love. If we camp here for the night, we can still get up and be in East Love by mid-morning.”
“Cutting it tight, aren’t you, Warrior Wizard?” Hakuryu said. We looked over where the local fire department had a ladder truck propped up to the first beanstalk with a car on top. The black suits were filing down the ladder from the car, trying to keep their hands up.
“I think it’s a rule of quests. You have to arrive just before it’s too late,” I said. “Even if we weren’t there, we have Valentine. There’s no other candidate for the succession, so they won’t do anything about removing Baron.”
“Warrior Wizard,” Joan approached me, all excited. “Rachel and Bernard are going to let me cook in their kitchen truck. I get to serve dinner.”
“That’s wonderful. Will the town ghosts be able to join us?” I asked.
“With your permission,” Raymond said.
“Yes, of course. If they can travel with us all the way to East Love, we can do a big promotion for the ghost town resort!” I said. I really loved the ghosts.
“Can we wash your car?” an urchin asked from beside me. She handed me a fresh latte. I took a sip and smiled. Heavenly.
“Wash mine and anyone else who wants it,” I said. “And have Dale check the gas and oil for everyone when she gets a break.” The kids dragged hoses, buckets, and sponges over to my car and started in on it. I glanced over to where the guys were being rounded up from the beanstalk cars. They were cowering against a fire truck. Shasta was prancing back and forth in front of them with a mama bobcat and two more cubs backing her up. Whenever anyone moved, a large black bear roared at him.
I reacted before I even knew what was happening. I snatched my basketball out of the air with my right hand and began to dribble. I looked where it had come from and Freedom was grinning at me. He pointed to the corner of the building where a basketball backboard and hoop hung. I launched the ball from where I was and dropped it through the hoop. Freedom grabbed it and spun it back to me. Before I started dribbling, I dropped my gown at my feet and we were off and running.
What a great feeling to be working up a sweat doing something I loved to do. With someone I loved! I knew very well it was too soon to feel as strongly about Freedom as I did. I was just going to get my heart broken when I woke up. Maybe… Just maybe this wasn’t a dream.
Freedom scored on me. I needed to get my head back in the game.
It wasn’t exactly like the first time we played. I didn’t jump up and wrap my legs around him and ride him to the ground. But it was two hot and sweaty people who dragged themselves into his wagon and got a good hot shower together. And a nap. And stuff.
Scarecrow was waiting for me when I emerged from Freedom’s wagon. Responsibilities, I suppose.
“How goes the repair work?” I asked the fixer.
“It’s not exactly something I can fix,” he sighed.
“Damn! Am I going to have to keep him tied up until after the Succession Day celebration?” I asked.
“I don’t think so. His grandfather was a sneaky one. He held out a hope for Valentine to be free of the compulsion on one condition.”
“I’m dying to hear.”
“The same thing that you got: Love’s first kiss,” Scarecrow said as if it was as easy as getting a loaf of bread from the convenience store. He looked at me and raised an eyebrow.
“No. Oh, no you don’t. Like you said, I got mine and I’m not giving it away to anyone else. No no no no. I am not kissing any frogs.”
The damned guy started laughing at me. I realized I’d been played and I was not happy about it. I just shook my head and bared my teeth at him.
“I don’t think you’ll need to worry about it,” he said. He pointed to where Dale had gone to release one of the prisoners. The guy immediately ran toward Valentine. I recognized him. Hard not to. I was the one who poked his eye out. He’d changed to a black patch over it instead of the huge bandage that he had worn. He had an intense conversation with his boss and I turned to Scarecrow.
“Is that wise? That’s got to be his number one henchman, assuming I killed the other two. They could be plotting something,” I said.
“I’m sure they are,” Scarecrow answered. Just then, One-eye darted in and placed a kiss right on Valentine’s lips. He pulled away and the two of them looked at each other, then around them guiltily. Seeing no one paying attention, they moved into a clinch with an eye-opening kiss. “True love’s first kiss,” Scarecrow said. “His grandfather was certain no woman would willingly have his grandson. And the boy had shown no interest in women at all. He just hadn’t admitted that he was attracted to Juan. It was the injury to Juan that made him realize how important his friend was to him. I guess, in a roundabout way he can thank you for true love’s first kiss after all.”
“Well, I’ll be! Good for him! Good for them! You really think this will break the compulsion?”
“Only one way to find out. Let’s go have a conversation.”
The conversation was good. Valentine and Juan put their hands on the pommel of my sword and swore they would never seek the sovereignty again.
“We’re going to head south tomorrow, if you’ll permit it,” Juan said.
“We can get married in Adavenia. I’m never going to let this guy out of my sight again,” Valentine said. We went around to the other prisoners and with the judicious application of the gold cord of submission, all pledged they would support the ascension of Princess to the Sovereignty.
I was pretty sure I hadn’t actually killed anyone in the battle of the gas station. Except one poor vampire. Oops. Sorry about that.
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